236 The Teen Survival Guide to Dating and Relating
- Stick to the topic at hand. Don’t bring up past problems, because this will
only make people angry or defensive.
When it’s your turn to talk, follow these guidelines:- Watch your tone of voice. Sometimes you might be saying all the correct
words (like “I’m sorry”), but your tone of voice is so negative that the message
you’re sending is, “I’m notsorry at all!” Keeping your attitude and tone of voice
positivewill help your family focus on what you’re saying and allow you to
resolve the conflict successfully—and that should always be the goal. - Don’t compare your family to other families. For example, it never helps to
talk about what your friends’ parents let themdo. The standard reply almost
always goes something like this, “I don’t care how late Pete’s mother lets him
stay out. You’re myson and you have to go by myrules.” Or “Good for Alisha!
Next time you enter the parent lottery, hopefully you’ll be luckier. But for now
I guess you’re stuck with me!” Parents resent hearing comparisons like this
because it sounds as though you believe the other kid has better parents than
you do (and that goes for siblings, too). - Avoid words like “You always” or “You never.” When you start blaming, accus-
ing, and putting people down, they usually stop listening and start defending
themselves. And when people get defensive, they also tend to get sarcastic and
angry. This doesn’t help resolve the problem—and may even create new ones. - Use “I messages.” Say things like, “I feel like it’s time for me to be more
responsible for my own life.” Or “I feel like you don’t respect my belongings.”
When you talk about your feelings, you aren’t verbally attacking or blaming,
and the people who are listening to you don’t have to “fight back.” The con-
versation stays more calm and on track.
When it’s their turn to talk:- Listen and watch your body language. Even though you’re not talking, you’re
still communicating—with your body, that is! Body languageis what you reveal
to others through your facial expressions and your pose. Think of what you
might be “silently” communicating when your arms and legs are crossed and