Accommodatingis the opposite of competing;
it is cooperative and unassertive. You pursue
the interests or concerns of the other party
and ignore your own: “I lose/you win.”
Avoidingis both unassertive and uncoopera-
tive. You pursue neither the other party’s
interest nor your own. You do not pursue the
issue at all; you disengage from the
encounter or situation. Extending the game
metaphor, avoiding means, “I won’t play.”
Collaboratingis both assertive and coopera-
tive; you simultaneously attempt to satisfy
your own concerns and those of the other
party. This is the “win/win” scenario.
Collaborating is often the most difficult of the
strategies to employ. It may require signifi-
cant time and effort from both parties.
Compromisingmay be described as unsuccess-
fully assertive or reluctantly cooperative; it is
a trade-off, each party gets part of what they
want. Depending on the quality of the com-
promise, this may be a low form of
“win/win” or, in particularly acrimonious
conflicts, it may be “lose/lose.”
To clarify the differences among these
approaches, let us look at an example. It is eight
o’clock, the regular bedtime for a nine-year-old
girl. Her mother wants her to go to bed; she
wants to stay up until nine o’clock. A “compet-
ing” response would be to send her to bed
without further discussion; Mom wins, she
loses. An “accommodating” response would be
to allow her to stay up until nine o’clock; Mom
loses, she wins. If the mother wants to “avoid”
the conflict, she might say, “Ask your father.”
She thus avoids enforcing the rule and granting
an exception to it; she doesn’t play.
“Compromising” might mean that the child
goes to bed at 8:30 p.m., or she goes to bed but
can leave the lights on and read, or she stays up
late tonight but goes to bed early tomorrow
night, etc. The mother can employ any of these
approaches, immediately and unilaterally, to
resolve the bedtime conflict.A “collaborating” response is harder to
develop; how can the child simultaneously
go to bed at eight o’clock and stay up until
nine o’clock? To collaborate, we must under-
stand the reasons behind the positions, not
just the positions themselves. The motherwants her daughter to go to bed at eight
o’clock because she has to get up at 6:00 a.m.
and she needs ten hours of sleep or she
becomes cranky and inattentive in school.
The daughter wants to stay up until 9:00 p.m.
because she desperately wants to watch a
particular television program that airs from
8:00 p.m. to 9:00 p.m. Equipped with this
information, they can now craft “win/win”
solutions: she goes to bed at 8:00 p.m. and
Mom videotapes the program so her daugh-
ter can see it tomorrow; or she stays up until
9:00 p.m. to see the program but she puts out
her clothes, makes her lunch, and trades her
morning chores with her sister so that she can
sleep an hour later in the morning—she still
gets ten hours of sleep. This is why collabo-
rating takes time: the parties must communi-
cate openly, giving the reasons behind their
positions, each actively trying to understand
and satisfy the concerns of the other.
None of these responses is always correct;
each has advantages and disadvantages. We
have a tendency to default to whichever
strategy reflects our emotions or personality.
Some people become relentlessly assertive
when faced with conflict; they will always try
to “win.” Some will always seek to accommo-
date others, even to their own significant116 CAREER ADVICE FOR LIFE SCIENTISTS II
To collaborate, we must
understand the reasons behind
the positions, not just the
positions themselves.