Self-Realization and Other Awakenings

emptiness, afraid of standing alone, afraid of losing,
afraid of the terror that comes with 'not
knowing'...and so WE SEEK! And we protect our
‘seeking’ with spiritual phrases like, ‘everyone has to
do what they have to do’, ‘all is well’, ‘it’s all good’,
‘everything is unfolding as it should’, and on and on
and on.
For 22 years, I thought Christianity was ‘the’ camp.
It grew old. I packed my bags and moved on to
‘spirituality’, making short pit stops in its various mini
camps along the way. Four years into this and I realize
that the same tendencies, the same core illness is still
there. I am still a seeker, looking in another camp for
what was not found in the last one. I have a new
language, oh god, I don’t even know what it is
(crying); a new way to do church called ‘satsang’; a
new form of praise and worship called ‘chanting’, my
minister is now called my ‘guru’; my bible is the
spiritual book of the week, and I am still as lost as
ever. Still gullible, still floating purposefully in a sea of
concepts, hoping to find myself there, quick to accept
what someone else says is true and defend it as my
own, still afraid to stand behind my own
truth...whatever they may be.
I see the similarities, the core illness. It has just
become clear to me over the past several days...and I
feel deep rage. Not at anyone in particular but rage at