How to Write Better Essays

272 Revision

In the 1970s subliminal messages were recorded onto the music

played throughout some US supermarkets by managers, who wanted

to reduce shoplifting.

Checklist

1 Have I removed all unnecessary words, phrases, sentences and

paragraphs?

2 Have I cut up all the long complex sentences that can be cut up?

3 Have I replaced all long, obscure words with short and simple ones?

4 Have I removed all unnecessary modifiers in favour of good strong

nouns and verbs?

5 Have I written in the active voice?

Practice exercise 23

Revising the content

Read the following passage and then revise its content by going through

the stages we’ve outlined above. Wherever you find unnecessary

material, long sentences, long words, weak nouns and verbs, and

passages that should be in the active or passive voice, revise them.

Then go through the checklist to see if you’ve covered everything.

When you’ve finished, check your revised version against the answer

given below.

Revising the content

Cultural change in modern Europe

In the second half of the nineteenth century as labour and informa-

tion moved more rapidly and easily across borders new pressures for

change were generated bringing with them unprecedented social and

cultural fragmentation rarely seen before. Towns grew at inconceiv-

able rates into vast cities drawing workers in from the countryside

to interact with the new foreign migrant labour flooding in from all

over Europe, developing a new urbane, cosmopolitan culture, fuelled

by rising literacy and a popular press with mass readership. Not

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