2 : My Relationship with Reich 35
not fully satisfying. By the time I was in therapy with Reich, the situation with the Gordons
had deteriorated further. Sam had gone into therapy with one of Reich’s therapists, who
after a while had been advised to terminate treatment. When I asked Reich for an explana-
tion of this, his reply was: “He was discharged because he took part in an action against the
Hamilton School when he was toldnot to. We didn’t want him and that is our privilege.”
Such an explanation was hardly satisfying. Discharging a person from treatment
seemed to me a very cruel thing to do, yet I was afraid to argue with Reich lest he kick me
out for defending such a person. There was the clear sense that certain subjects were not to
be brought up, and Sam was one of them. Wanting to express some of my negative feelings,
I made the infelicitous choice of Sam as my mouthpiece. Sam had reported, I said, that
Reich had done such-and-such a thing wrongly. I shall never forget Reich’s towering rage.
His voice boomed out, his skin reddened, he was all harshness. He denied the truth of the
accusation and was quite furious at me for reporting it. “If there is one thing I cannot stand,
it is hearing that ‘so-and-so said.’ Don’t tell me what ‘so-and-so’ said!”
Still, during that summer, the pace of events was more benign, even though I would
occasionally witness Reich’s rages in the laboratory.
Much as I deplored Reich’s behavior toward Sam Gordon, I did admire his capaci-
ty to take strong stands.Sometimes what I regarded as his naiveté was extremely deliberate
and self-conscious behavior. For example, that summer he applied for research funds to the
National Science Foundation. When they asked for further information, he detailed in a let-
ter how much money he actually put into research while most people just talked, and went
on in this vein. He seemed to catch from my undertone that I thought the letter would be
ill-received, for his comment was sharp: “We don’t care what people think. We are not writ-
ing for anybody. That is a very important thing. We are supposed to be different. How are
we going to make others different if we become like them? If they can’t take it, then it is
their problem. It does no good to hide.”
In many ways, being with Reich on an almost daily basis led to no disillusionment.
Up close he was even more remarkable in the range of his capabilities. Socially he kept a dis-
tance,but he was very open about what he felt, and he was very much himself with his small
son.I remained intrigued and puzzled by the man. Occasionally, in therapy, I asked ques-
tions about his personal life and sometimes he would volunteer information. He was both
worried and Impressed that I was “terribly young” (that summer I turned twenty-two), but
then he was quick to point out that he had been even younger when he first came into con-
tact with Freud.He could be contemptuous too about what he regarded as weakness or
timidity. He asked me when I started my sexual life and as I mentioned the (from his view-
point) rather advanced age of nineteen, he looked a little disgusted. I once asked how he
managed to remain “healthy,” and he replied that he had had a “remarkable mother,” but did
not elaborate.
On another occasion,I wanted to find out what had led Reich to discover the mus-
cular armor.Had he been armored himself? “No, no,” he answered. “I went out to people.
I was open, then I met this wall—and I wanted to smash it.” Generally, Reich would not talk