2 : My Relationship with Reich 37
working with Reich and being with a woman “in the work” had turned, to use Conrad
Aiken’s description, “to darkness and darkness took my heart.”
Separated from Grethe, terminating therapy, and resigning rny position, I went
home for several months. Slowly my spirits revived. The revival was largely due to a letter
from Reich assuring me that the door was always open for my return to orgonomy. He
believed, he wrote, that I was “running away” not from him or the work but from myself.
His letter filled me with hope for the future. I had handed over to him all my previous work,
including my “mistakes,” and he still wanted me to return: I had a second chance.
In late May 1950, after a six-month hiatus, I returned to Orgonon, now simply to
work with Reich without thought of being in therapy with him. I had the kind of apprecia-
tion of life that only a convalescent after a long illness can feel. I remember the summer as
golden. Reich was in a very good mood active, expansive, human. I found it exhilarating to
be franker with him than I had ever been, and he appreciated my openness.
During this period I started to keep more systematic notes about Reich and events
at Orgonon. Carefully, I recorded much of what he said in the laboratory about science,
social events, individuals. He had an unusually vivid and perceptive way of speaking, with
far more humor and irony than emerges from most of his writings. I was enchanted by the
range and speed ofhis insights.I did not limit myself simply to recording what he said or
what happened, but interpolated my own analysis and connections with insights of others.
Reich deeply appreciated my writing and began to refer to me as the “historian” of orgon-
omy, a role that fitted my own conception of myself.
However, he insisted that he should keep my writings, and didn’t want me to have
a copy. “That’s mine, “ he said, as he touched a pile of my pages. True, a lot of it was what
he had said. True, I could understand his concern that some of his latest, unpublished find-
ings, recorded in the notes, would somehow be taken by others. (He always had a “passion
for priority.”) Still, the notes were my work, and I should have insisted at least on keeping a
copy.I should have made it an issue of staying or leaving. But I couldn’t in part because I
wanted to be near him, I wanted to understand him. Now, like the rest of the sealed Reich
Archives,my notes are not available to anyone except the current executrix of the estate
until the year 2007.Thus, I was deprived of the opportunity Reich always said was mine: to
work on the notes at Orgonon.
By December 1950,I had achieved a position quite close to Reich. In addition to
my historical work, I had a variety of other responsibilities, such as editing the Orgone Energy
Bulletin,Reich’s quarterly publication of the period. I did various kinds of public relations
work. I also took on some duties that I should have refused since I was not good at them.
As Use Ollendorffhas noted,Reich was fierce when it came to financial matters. He want-
ed every bill checked and often felt he was being cheated. I took on some shared responsi-
bility with Use for the financial accounts and came to dread the monthly discussion of bills
with Reich, In this realm there was a dangerous renewal of my old fear and evasiveness
toward him.
Another, more ominous development also occurred that December: Grethe Hoff