4 : Becoming a Psychoanalyst: 1918-1920 67
self-confidence remained shaky. His country background may have contributed to the out-
sider feeling, for many Viennese wished that the refugees from the former Eastern
provinces would go home. His unusual social situation as a child the “crown prince” of a
feudal estate, not permitted to play with most of his peers may have contributed to his dif-
ficulties with the easy give-and-take of normal friendship even while he yearned for it so
much. His psoriasis undoubtedly undermined his physical self-confidence: some of the
women who knew him during this period said that while others found him attractive, they
themselves were put off by his “acne.”
There were obviously deeper factors involved in his feelings of alienation. It is not
difficult to trace them to his childhood family conflicts. His intense rivalrous feelings toward
his powerful, domineering father were stimulated by his mother’s doting love and her and
his own abuse at the hands of the father. Inflamed through his (and his father’s) defeat by
the tutor, there arose an extraordinary sensitivity to being defeated, put down, or otherwise
made to look small. One way to avoid such a repetition was to take the dominant position.
Subordinacy was only tolerable when, as in the case of his relationship with Freud, he could
idolize a somewhat distant, much older mentor who treated him well, indeed, as a kind of
favorite. His mother’s “betrayal” of her loving son illumined the intense jealousy he experi-
enced toward women and his need to prove himself—his attractiveness, his worth—by win-
ning many women. And while his self-perception of being “different” had many positive
bases—energy, creativity, and health—it also had a foundation in feelings of guilt from his
role in his mother’s death, feelings that led him to believe he was a “marked” man, who must
live an extraordinary life to redeem the suffering he had witnessed (and perhaps caused) at
such close quarters. Finally, it is worth noting that these painful feelings about his family
background are further revealed by the fact that during this period Reich did not discuss his
family even with those, such as Lia, he was closest to.
Whatever his personal conflicts, Reich generally was able to maintain his capacity
to work effectively. There appears to have been only one brief period when the weight of
the past severely interfered with his capacity to function. In the same article (published in
1920) in which he presented his childhood trauma in disguised form, Reich also outlined
some ofthe conflicts he felt around 1919. He described the “patient” (himself) as suffering
from states ofdepression and rumination that led him to lose all interest in his studies. He
feared speaking in public lest he make a fool of himself, become all “choked up.” He tend-
ed to want to be alone and to dwell on small, everyday errors, which he magnified into a
“huge case.”
Reich also reported that the onset of these feelings of depression occurred in con-
nection with a relationship to a girl who was “intellectually very much below him” (the nurs-
ery-school teacher?) and whom he suspected of being unfaithful to him at one point. There
the “analyst” (Reich) interjected to say that, in his opinion, the “patient’s” suspicion was
without objective foundation. Also, the “patient” suffered from a restless quest for an ideal
sexual partner,with feelings ofdisappointment following any actual experience. (The “ana-
lyst” later related this quest to the patient’s unconscious search for the “perfect” mate, i.e.,