138 W H A T EVERY BODY IS SAYING
feelings in the people they meet. Obviously, you should avoid giving any of
these discomforting handshakes unless you want to alienate someone.
As foreign as it may seem to Westerners, in many cultures men en-
gage in hand-holding behavior. This is very common in the Muslim
world as well as in Asia, especially in Vietnam and Laos. Men in the
United States often are uncomfortable holding hands with each other
because this is not common to our culture beyond childhood or perhaps
in certain religious rituals. When I teach at the FBI Academy, I ask the
young agents to stand and shake hands with each other. They don’t have
a problem doing so, even when asked to engage in a prolonged hand-
shake. However, when I ask them to hold hands together side-by-side,
sneers and objections quickly arise; they cringe at the thought, and only
do so with much hesitation. Then I remind the new agents that we deal
with people from many cultures and these individuals often show their
comfort level with us by holding our hands. It is something we, as Amer-
icans, need to learn to accept, especially when dealing with human assets
(informants) from other countries (see box 37).
Many cultures use touch to cement positive sentiments between men,
something that is not widespread in the United States. The story of the
Bulgarian gentleman not only reveals cultural differences but also illus-
trates the importance of physical contact for our species. In interpersonal
relationships—whether between men, women, parents and children, or
lovers—it is critical to have physical contact and to assess it to determine
how the relationship stands. One of the signs that a relationship has
soured or is compromised is a sudden decrease in the amount of touching
(assuming it existed). In any relationship, when there is trust there is more
tactile activity.
If you currently travel abroad, or plan to in the future, make sure you
understand the cultural conventions of the country that you are visiting,
particularly with regard to greetings. If someone gives you a weak hand-
shake, don’t grimace. If anyone takes your arm, don’t wince. If you are in
the Middle East and a person wants to hold your hand, hold it. If you are a
man visiting Russia, don’t be surprised when your male host kisses your
cheek, rather than shakes your hand. All of these greetings are as natural a