182 Who Do You Think You Are?
which is a very self-centered viewpoint and leads to a lot of problems,
and I would say that I developed those qualities in my youth. I, too, was
self-centered.
I’m now what I call We centered. I learned the principle of
considering “both you and me” in the Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA)
12 step program. The first word in step one is We, not I. Now, when I’m
making decisions, I consider what’s best not just for you, not just for me,
but what’s best for us. I would say that’s my main guiding principle.
Whenever I’m interacting with a person or an organization, I don’t want
to forget your needs, I don’t want to forget my needs, I want to consider
everybody’s needs. Whether I’m dealing with my kids, my patients or
my service organizations, this is the main guiding principle that I live by.
I used to give to other people, and I thought I was very generous
in giving and loving, but there was always a hook. I was giving, but
clearly I wanted something out of it. It wasn’t a true gift. I like to ask,
“When you give, is it a gift or a payment?” In the past it was a payment,
and I had to learn that there are no strings attached when it’s a gift. Now
when I’m working with my patients, I’m always considering what they
want, what I want, and how can we create this relationship in a mutually
beneficial way. It’s not just about what I want anymore.
What events or series of events led to your discovery?
Growing up with an alcoholic father included dysfunction, un-
predictability, and instability in the home. Because of that environment,
I developed a tendency to try and find my own principles and to figure
out life by myself. What I developed were the principles that life should
be fair, that life should be logical, and that I should always know what to
do in every situation, even if I have never been in that situation. Those
were my philosophies as I was growing up, and those philosophies
basically ruined my life. They were very idealistic principles.
I lived in those principles through my junior college years and
then I got married after I got my first job. I was married for five years
and then I got a divorce. That divorce kind of drove me to question my
principles and question my philosophy. So I started my quest to learn
about myself and to see why my philosophy didn’t work.
I took some self-help workshops, studied various texts, and
eventually ended up in the 12 step program (ACA). It was in that program
that I developed the principle that it’s not just me, it’s not just you, it’s
us. This is what guides me through my life. While attending the 12-step