I shookmyheadindisbelief.How
haditcometothis?Undertakinga
houserenovationjusttogetourthree
20-somethingkidstomoveoutofthe
house!Wherehadwefailed?What
warning signs hadI missed?THROUGHOUTTHEIRCHILDHOODS,
allthreekidsappearedtodevelop
‘normally’.Theylearnedtowalk,talk
andhaveplaydates.Theyenjoyed
theirprimaryschool,eveningactivi-
ties,sports,artsandmusic.Withhighschoolcameboyfriends,girlfriends
andtherealisationthattheirparents
werecompleteninnies.Finally,the
liberatingmovetouniversity.
Wethoughtourjobwasdone.They
wereoff,makingtheirwayinthe
world!
Butthen,somehow,it allstartedto
unravel.
Firstcamethe‘temporary’move
backhometopayoffstudentloans.
Thencamethe“I’msavingforthe
futureandlivingathomereally
helps”phase.Thiswasquicklyfol-
lowedby“Allmyfriendsstilllive
athome,soI can’tfindsomeone to
share an apartment with.”Yes,theyareparticularlytrouble-
someinthekitchen, I thought.Each
night,weleaveourkitchenfitfora
House&Gardenphotoshoot.Every
morning,wecomedowntoa disas-
ter.Cupboarddoorsopen,crumbson
thecounter.Itwaslikea danceofthe
midnightfoodfairieshadcarriedon
whileweslept.
“We’llhavetogutitcompletely–
gorightdowntothestuds,”hesaid.
“Ripupthef loor,teardowntheplas-
terandreplacealltheelectrical.We’ll
putyourappliancesinstorage.You’ll
havenoabilitytokeeporprepare
foodforaboutthreemonths.”
“Next,wetargetsourcesofwater,”
he continued, addingthat he’d
learnedthat,whetheraloneorin
packs,ourintruderswouldspend
aconsiderableamountoftimeat
ornearwatersources,engagedin
lengthygroomingrituals.“Sowe’re
goingtocutoffallwatertoyourmain
f loorandabove.Youwillhavetorely
onlyonyourtinybasementbath-
room .”
“Finally,wefocusontheirnesting
places.Thisisproblematicinold
homeslikeyours.Theycanburrow
inandgetverycomfortable.They’re
nocturnalcreatures,sowehaveto
concentrateouractivityduringthe
day,makinga lotofnoisetodisrupt
theirsleepinghabits.”
I stillwasn’tconvinced.
“Sir,ifwestartworktomorrow,we
guaranteeyouradultchildren will be
gone by summer.”
I REALISED THAT
MY CHILDRENARE
SUFFERINGFROMA
RATHER STAUNCH
REFUSAL TO GROW UP83
The Kids Stay in the Picture