explode, but your thoughts and actions still reflect your own hang-ups, if
you have any. Your first response is not likely to be your best.
Jane’s husband feels her pain, and this turns it into a goad for
action. His sympathetic system switches on and he chooses to
fight. Jane needs a champion to protect her! He rushes to the
phone to demand that the doctor prescribe something that will
help his wife.Whoa, big boy!
When Jane’s husband feels bad, he doessomething about it. He fixes
the problem, as any alpha male would. Unfortunately, he is rushing off to
fix the wrong problem. Jane’s emotion has turned him into a guided missile
that merely moves the explosion to another place. He has unwittingly
adopted Jane’s unrealistic goal of making the fear go away immediately. If
the doctor is sufficiently intimidated to prescribe more Xanax, we already
know it will make Jane worse in the long run, but everybody will feel
better for the moment.
Think for a moment about what you would do in the face of a Make
it go awayexplosion. Most people automatically leap into the fray without
realizing they’re fighting another person’s battle. Some will try to hand
the problem off to someone else. Others may ignore it, hoping the problem
will go away. Others get irritated, hoping the explosive person will go away.
Very few think about the long-term implications of what they say and do.
I hope you’re one of those. If you look closely, you’ll see that most of the
immediate reactions are variations on fighting back or running away,
which we already know is ineffective.
The best response is one that acknowledges the reality of the pain,
then shifts responsibility for problem solving from you to the explosive
person, and the venue from emotion to thinking. All this can be accom-
plished with one simple question: What can I do to help?
These are magic words that give some responsibility back to the
explosive person. Always use them before taking matters into your own
hands. In the early days of the disorder you may have to exercise a bit of
external control with basic calming. As soon as the person is settled
enough to talk, he or she needs to start thinking things through, making
102 ❧Explosions into Fear