times before they finally sink in. No one will thank you, but you’re defi-
nitely helping. Medications may make a huge difference, but for emo-
tionally explosive people, they’re usually the beginning of the road, not
the end.
Step 2: Taking the Measure of Fear
Once people are calm enough to think rationally about fear, they have a
lot of learning to do, and unlearning. When they understand what fear
really is, they can begin to act as if it doesn’t exist. The process isn’t quite
as confusing as it seems. You already know most of the information; the
only problem is how to teach it and when.
Throughout the process you will have to acknowledge that fear and the
pain it causes is real. It may originate in the brain, but it is not all in
the head. Acknowledging fear is simple; just say: I know that being afraid
(or having a panic attack, or whatever words the person you know uses)
feels terrible,and perhaps offer a hand to hold. Then, don’t say or do any-
thing that would cast doubt on your previous statement. That’s all there
is to it, but as we’ll see, it may be harder than you think.
The value of recognizing another person’s pain runs deep. Intense
fear radically changes the way the brain works. It feels more like going
crazy than actually going crazy does. People with fear disorders often worry
that they are losing their minds. Someone needs to reassure them that they
aren’t, that what’s happening to them is still within the realm of normal
human experience. You can do all that by looking them in the eye, taking
their hand, and saying, “I know that being afraid feels terrible.” Giving the
abyss a name makes it less likely that they will fall into it.
At this moment, ready as you are to extend your heart and hand, it
may surprise you that one of the biggest problems people with fear disorders
face is thinly veiled suspicion that they are faking. Many explosions into
fear are unconscious demonstrations of the reality of the disorder that
might be unnecessary if frightened people felt their friends and family
believed them.
But why would a caring person not believe?
The answer lies in the phenomenon that analysts called secondar y gain.
104 ❧Explosions into Fear