need an answer. Inside, his guilt combines with his fear and
makes it stronger. His fear of spiders grows and the area he
perceives as safe shrinks. He now becomes anxious even looking
out the window.*
Jane stops going to bunko. Her husband’s comments are part of
her decision. It does seem unfair that she can go out and do
things for herself when she can’t do the things he wants her to
do, but that isn’t the real reason. She began to notice some of
the warning signs—racing heart and breath catching in her
throat— even while she was having fun with her friends. She
thinks it might be safer to stay home until she gets a grip on this
panic thing, though she wonders if she ever will. Nowadays she
seldom leaves the house.Don’t go blaming Jane’s husband or Neil’s wife for making them
worse—or yourself, if you’ve made comments like these to a fearful person
in your life. Everybody does. Our protagonists’ spouses learned how to help
them get better, and you will too. Sometimes the learning is all trial and error.
What should you say to a fearful person about secondary gain?
Nothing.
Keep your mouth shut. At this stage of the game, you don’t want to
say anything that would hint of disbelief. The best way to deal with the
You think it’s all in my headexplosion is to prevent it. Sometimes this can
be difficult. Here are a few guidelines:
NEVER TRY TO INSTRUCT EMOTIONALLY EXPLOSIVE PEOPLE BY POINTING
OUT THE ILLOGIC OF THEIR BEHAVIOR. No matter how astute, such com-
ments will make things worse. In fact, the more astute, the bigger the prob-
lem. To understand why, you have to remember what Freud said about the
most frightening things in the world being the unacceptable parts of yourself.
What Jane’s husband said about bunko and baseball was absolutely
on target, but unhelpful because it came at the wrong time. At this stage in
treatment, Jane has no idea that she has any control over what’s happening
106 ❧Explosions into Fear