She needs to remember that the simplest solution is not a solution
at all. It will make the problem worse. The problem is not that people with
fear disorders can’t, or even that they won’t, it’s that they’re afraid to.
Unfortunately, the minute you stop protecting, it will set off another explo-
sion.
TheYou Know I Can’t Explosion
“Want to come out and help me rake leaves?” Neil’s wife asks
innocently.
“What are you talking about?” Neil says, already beginning
to panic. “You know I can’t go out where there might be you-
know-whats.” He can’t even say “spiders,” and this heartless
woman is asking him to throw himself to them!In the fight against fear disorders, sometimes the greatest kindnesses
are perceived as cruelty. Take heart and grit your teeth. This next rule is
hard to follow.
NEVER AUTOMATICALLY LET PEOPLE WIT HFEAR DISORDERS OUT OF
DOING SCARY THINGS.MAKE THEM ASK EACH TIME. The asking sets
up a small barrier that is crossed by thinking rather than feeling, a step
in the right direction. Being thoughtful in this way will most likely be
seen as thoughtlessness, so be ready to explain yourself.
“No, Neil, I’m not sure what you can and can’t do,” his wife says.
“I’m willing to help out, but you have to tell me what you want.”
“Uh, it’s not fair that I ask you to do the yard work. But ...”
Neil’s wife allows a long pause for reflection.
“I could do something else,” Neil says.DON’T GIVE FEARFUL PEOPLE ALTERNATE TASKS TO COMPENSATE.
Fearful people are often happy to do more than their share of less fright-
ening tasks to assuage their guilt. Don’t get sucked in. Even in a very
busy family, fighting fear is more important than getting the chores
done.
108 ❧Explosions into Fear