On second thought, she might have been nodding off. Whatever the
reason, she wasfeeling much calmer. I gave her hope by giving her words
other than crazyto describe her emotional reality. Anything you can talk
about, you can do something about. What Trish needs is to do some talk-
ing herself to turn her experience into her own words.
“Tell me about what happened on the day of the accident,” I say.
“Where were you going?”
“I was on my way to work,” she says. “I just took the 164th
exit off Highway 14, and was coming up the hill to where the
four-way stop sign is.”
I nod to show I know the place she means. “Then what?”This interchange may not sound particularly therapeutic, but it is. Nor-
mal memories are stories that occur at certain places and times, have begin-
nings, middles, and ends, and connect to the ongoing internal narrative that
is life. Traumatic events and emotional explosions of all sorts are episodes
that don’t fit into the overall story. They loom over the mind like dark clouds,
casting a pall over day-to-day experience and occasionally spewing forth light-
ning, thunder, and torrents of neurochemicals. To gain control over these
internal storms, people need to turn them into words. Unfortunately, they
have little opportunity, because they and the people close to them shy away
from such topics in conversation, lest they bring on more misery.
Sometimes it takes a series of small miseries to end a big one.
If there is an explosive person in your life, you can help by speaking
about the unspeakable. Ask questions that require them to put their emo-
tional storms into words. This mundane act can be a tremendous mercy.
“What does a panic attack feel like?” Jane’s husband asks.
“I don’t want to talk about it. It gets me too upset.”
“I know it gets you upset, but sometimes it helps to talk
about things that upset you.”
“I just want them to go away.”Generally, explosive people don’t talk about the explosions they
themselves feel, but about how badly they feel about not being able to stop
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