Many people with panic and anxiety disorders, like Jane, have trouble
with the expression of aggression. Not just with getting angry at people,
but with asking for what they want, and saying no to what they don’t want.
Sometimes they let their symptoms do it for them. Remember the debacle
about baseball and bunco?
After the symptoms of fear disorders are under control, it’s often
helpful to poke around under the hood a bit, looking at how formerly
fearful people handle their aggressive urges.
“I’m just a people pleaser,” Jane says, shrugging her shoulders.
“I guess I do have a hard time saying no once in a while. It’s not
a big deal or anything.”
“What do you have a hard time saying no to?” I ask,
making a bigger deal of it than she says it is.As we talked, I discovered that Jane was much more attuned to every-
body else’s needs than her own. This is not unusual for people who develop
fear disorders, but not universal. Phobics are less likely to have conflicts about
aggression. People with PTSD often avoid retelling, both because of the hor-
ror of the incident itself, and their equally frightening feelings of guilt for some-
how having caused the incident, complied with it, not prevented it, or for
merely having survived it. Occasionally, scattered among the disjointed pic-
tures are normal but troubling feelings that the person defines as unworthy.
People with fear disorders need to feel comfortable doing things they
have previously seen as selfish, like saying no. One way to accomplish this
goal is by going back into their history to see where they got the idea that
they were never supposed to put their own needs first, and then have them
rethink their conclusions.
“Is there anyone in your family who has a harder time saying no
than you do?” I ask.
“My mother,”Jane says. Then she starts to laugh.
“What’s so funny?”
“Omigod, I’m just like her. She used to have panic attacks too.”
“Hmm,” I say. “When did you decide you wanted to be just
like Mom?”
“I didn’t,” Jane answers quickly. “She’s miserable.”The Psychology of Fear ❧ 123