The purpose of analyzing the past is to get people to try something new
in the present. With Jane, we were able to use her mother as a negative role
model. Whatever her mother would do in a situation, Jane would try to do
the opposite. This worked beautifully because Jane, like most people, was
willing to invest a good deal of effort in not acting like her mother. Unre-
solved adolescent rebellion is one of the most potent energy sources in the
universe. By tapping into it, I can help people find the power to change.
Each time Jane said no, it made her a little stronger.
“I’m really sorry, but I don’t have time to be president of the
PTA,” Jane says, a bit tremulously perhaps, but the important
thing is she actually says it.* * *Jane looks her boss in the eye. “I worked late Tuesday and
Wednesday. It’s my turn to go home on time.” Her voice doesn’t
shake at all.* * *“Mom, I , uh, already have plans for Saturday.”People close to the formally fearful applaud the newfound ability to
say no. Until it’s said to them.
“No, I don’t want to go to the game; I don’t particularly like
baseball. Why don’t you go with one of your friends?”This lights the fuse for one final blast.The Why Aren’t You as Nice as You Used to Be?Explosion
This outburst won’t be fromthem, it will be from you.
When it happens, here’s a little cognitive therapy that may help:
Overly nice people tend to turn their aggressive impulses inward, in the
form of panic attacks, phobias, depression, and other disorders we have
yet to discuss. If you want them to get better, they’re going to have to tell
everybodyno once in a while. Even you. Deal with it.
124 ❧Explosions into Fear