being said, what people are thinking as they say it, and what physiological
reactions are going on in their bodies. At first the speed at which every-
thing happens makes this seem a daunting task. You may be surprised,
however, to discover how much you already know.
Most of us, especially parents, are more effective in dealing with the
explosions of preverbal children than we are with those of overly emo-
tional adults. The explosions themselves are remarkably similar, but our
expectations about them and our feelings of efficacy in handling them dif-
fer vastly. With adults, we tend to pay far too much attention to words. We
sometimes attempt to talk people out of their emotions, explaining why
they shouldn’t be feeling what they’re feeling. Nobody would try some-
thing so futile with a small child.
I’m not suggesting that you should deal with emotional explosions
in adults by picking them up and giving them a bottle, or changing their
diapers. I’m suggesting that you do the same sort of thinking when adults
explode as you would on hearing a baby cry. Pay less attention to the
squalling itself, and more to the internal discomfort that’s causing it.
EXPLOSIONS ARE INTERACTIVE. They’re social events that require the
participation of another person. Even when explosions occur in privacy,
the audience is there in the mind of the performer. In a way, emotional
explosions are like the sound of a tree falling in the forest. If nobody’s lis-
tens, there’s nothing there but a disturbance in the air. Unlike falling trees,
however, explosive people will sometimes continue to disturb the air until
someone does listen.
It is not possible to merely witness an explosion. Whether you want
to be or not, you are involved. How you respond will at least partly deter-
mine what will happen. That said, let me point out that doing absolutely
nothing may be the most eloquent and effective response. Often the most
obvious reactions—exploding back, or explaining to the person why he or
she should not be upset—will make the situation worse. Doing nothing is
always acceptable, especially when you don’t know what else to do.
EXPLOSIONS ARE A FORM OF COMMUNICATION. No matter how
incomprehensible the message, when people explode, they’re trying to tell
you something. Generally, they don’t have the appropriate words to
6 ❧Emotional Explosions