EXPLOSIONS FOLLOW PREDICTABLE PATTERNS. Though irrational, emo-
tional explosions still have a logic of their own. They are usually attempts
to get something—relief, safety, or perhaps revenge. This book will help
you recognize the typical patterns and respond to them with techniques
designed to minimize the damage to all concerned.
DEALING EFFECTIVELY WIT HEXPLOSIONS IS AN UNNATURAL ACT. Doing
what comes naturally makes emotional outbursts worse. Explosions them-
selves, and our instincts for dealing with them, are products of biologically
simpler times. The internal programs that tell us to protect the fearful,
comfort the sad, and fight or run from the angry are useful in the face of
physical danger, but are less so when the threat is psychological.
Our instincts make us see frightened and confused people as pow-
erful and dangerous. Kindness may persuade us to take care of people who
should be encouraged to care for themselves. Reason betrays us in unrea-
sonable situations. In our logical attempts to be helpful, we may find our-
selves calmly explaining to terrified, furious, or disconsolate people that
what’s bothering them is only a figment of their imagination and that they
really shouldn’t be feeling the way they do. Our competitive urges may
lead us to define emotional outbursts as a struggle in which there is a win-
ner and a loser in situations in which if anybody wins, everybody loses.
The goal of this book is to help you understand and respond to other
people’s emotional explosions in ways that are good for both of you. The
people we discuss here may occasionally engage in behavior that is fright-
ening or annoying, but they’re family members you love, friends and
coworkers you care about, bosses and customers with whom you need to
maintain working relationships, along with the occasional dangerous
stranger. The best way to protect yourself from harm and undue stress is
by helping them. Bear in mind, however, that helping them seldom means
giving in, or giving them everything they want when they want it.
To deal with emotional explosions, you must be kind, caring, and
courageous, but not nice. For people accustomed to being nice, the tech-
niques in this book may require a leap of faith. Don’t use them without a
safety net of belief that they are the correct and loving thing to do.
The strategies you’ll read about often involve disrupting familiar pat-
terns. They may feel uncomfortable, but they will not harm explosive peo-
8 ❧Emotional Explosions