How to Deal with Emotionally Explosive People

The Psychology of Depression ❧ 173

A frequent comment to depressed people is: “Do it for yourself, not
for me.” This is not useful advice. Depressed people don’t do anything
positive for themselves. It’s you or nobody. They’ll hear the sentence as an
indication that you’re giving up on them too.
If you hear yourself saying, “Do it for yourself,” it usually means
you’re trying too hard. Chill out, and explain to yourself once again that
you can’t make them feel better. Let go of responsibility for their feelings,
and focus on keeping them active, which is difficult enough, but at least
not impossible.
They won’t like it, but so what? They don’t like anything. Their soft-
ware for liking has crashed and they need you to help them reboot. Let
them mumble and mutter just so long as they’re moving. Even when
depressed people start feeling better it will take them a long time to realize
it, and even longer to admit it to you. Helping the depressed is a thankless
task. Literally. If they thank you, you’re probably not helping. Better they
should be slightly annoyed with you for pushing them.

“Seems like you have a choice,” you say to Rachel. “You can sit

in here and feel lousy or you can go out and feel lousy in the

fresh air. I don’t know about you, but I’m going to the park.

Want to come with me?”

“I guess one waste of time is as good as another,” Rachel

says, reaching for her jacket.

The depressed usually feel tired and listless, so they rest, which
makes them more tired. If people are getting fairly adequate sleep at night,
rest during the day only saps their energy and motivation. Vigor follows
the prime directive of biology: Use it or lose it.
Though inactive, most depressed people are still experiencing consid-
erable anxiety. They can profit more from 15 minutes of relaxation exercises
from the section on fear disorders than they can from hours of sitting around.
As with fear disorders, exercising regularly with depressed people is the
most helpful thing you can do, but it is far harder. Fearful people often have
energy to burn, and are eager for the chance to work it off. Depressed
people have to be dragged. Even a little walk in the park can be quite
a workout.
But first you have to get them on their feet.