needs is to sort out are her mixed memories of her mother, but that hurts
too much. She feels so badly about herself every time she turns up an
emotion that she thinks should not to be there. She avoids her real task by
frantically putting her mother’s house in order.
Inside Carol, the pressure continues to build. The way to help her is
by setting off an emotional explosion. As with most psychological tech-
niques, the theory is more complicated than the practice. All you have to
do is encourage her to talk and be there to listen.
“What was your mother like?” Carol’s friend asks as she helps
sort a lifetime worth of bric-a-brac into cardboard boxes.
“She was a very kind and loving person,” Carol says. Then
she throws a handful of cooking implements into the yard sale
pile and begins yanking pans out of a cupboard.
“That’s all? Just kind and loving?” Carol’s friend opens a
drawer full of string, rubber bands, and twist ties. “She was also
a bit of a pack rat. What else was she?”
“Why are you asking all these questions?” Carol’s voice
quavers and her eyes begin to well with tears. Pans thump,
clang, and rattle, then grow still.
“I think you need to talk about her,” her friend says.Small questions like these can breach internal dams and release a
torrent of tears. If you’re going to try this technique, be sure you know how
to swim. Here are some ideas that will help keep you both afloat during
an explosion into sadness:
BE THERE. All you really have to do to help bereaved people is listen,
nothing else. Never worry about what to say, because you don’t have to say
anything. You’ll never go wrong by laying a hand on their shoulder and
encouraging them to go on. The idea is to keep them talking as long as
they need to, so don’t start if you have to pick up the kids in 20 minutes.
ALLOW WHATEVER HAPPENS. Opening yourself to another person’s
sadness is a profoundly disturbing experience. Our reactions to grief are
hard-wired into the motherboards of our brains. We want to respond to
cries of pain with something, anything, that will make them stop and
The Psychology of Depression ❧ 177