help the person feel better. If there’s nothing we can do to make the sit-
uation better, we feel like crying ourselves. Which is also a perfectly
adequate response.
It’s hard to sit quietly while someone else cries. You will feel this
uneasiness in many ways, most commonly the urge to talk, or to get up
and do somethingfor the sad person. Fetch a Kleenex if you need to, but
forget the tea, pillow, blankets, or the picture you took of their mother last
year. The best thing you can possibly give bereaved people is staying with
your discomfort long enough to accept theirs.
VALIDATE THEIR EXPERIENCE. People in the midst of an emotional explo-
sion feel crazy. Tell them that they aren’t. Let them know by your actions,
quietly listening and not freaking out, that you consider what they’re doing
appropriate and reasonable. You may also want to remind them of Kubler-
Ross’s stages as the standard for normal mourning.
SHARE CAREFULLY. A typical way of showing emotional support is by
sharing your own similar experiences. If you feel the impulse to do this, be
careful, because what is meant as heartfelt solidarity may be misinterpreted.
First, make sure the experience you’re sharing is really similar. Carol
is struggling not only with sadness over her mother’s death, but with feelings
she considers shameful. If you can share a comparable disappointment
with yourself, go ahead; it will help. If what you’re willing to share is
merely sadness over a loss of your own, it’s best to keep silent. The person
may take your lack of mixed feelings as a rebuke, or evidence that her feel-
ings are indeed out of the ordinary.
Second, if the person you’re trying to support is male, be even more
careful about bringing up your own experience. Men rarely understand
this kind of sharing as support; it’s just not the way guys do it. Men may
see you as vying for the center of attention, and will probably give it to
you by simply clamming up.
POLITELY DECLINE RECIPROCITY. Bear in mind that many strong, silent
people like Carol are uncomfortable with taking, so they may try to turn
the situation around so they’re the one who’s giving to you. This is much
more likely to happen if you start sharing your own experiences. They’ll
be only too happy to give you support. The relief will be palpable.
178 ❧Explosions into Sadness