The most destructive and dangerous thing you can add to an explo-
sion into anger is further provocation. Expressing your own anger, whether
you’re aware of it or not, is like pouring gasoline on a fire. The less aware
you are of your own emotional state, the more destructive it is likely to be.
Second, though anger in some degree is universal, most people
define it as negative, and so do not recognize it in themselves until it
becomes an undeniable explosion. For this reason, awareness of the
thoughts and feelings that signal rising indignation is a critical element in
the treatment of anger control disorders. It is likewise crucial in learning
how to deal effectively with angry people.
Third, anger is inextricable from morality. What we get angry at
defines us as surely as what we believe in, and often far more clearly than
what we say about our beliefs.
We are accustomed to defining angry people as villains, and our-
selves, or other affected people, as victims. Whether this is true or not, it’s
usually also an attempt to counterattack by seizing the moral high ground.
People who see themselves as victims or the defenders of victims are claim-
ing the right to victimize others. In 30 years of doing therapy with angry
people, I have never met a bully who did not consider himself or herself a
victim. To me, it makes no sense to try to deal with angry people by dis-
torting reality in exactly the same way they do.
Angry people hurl invectives, and sometimes toasters. We throw
diagnoses back at them. It’s not that the diagnoses don’t fit; they all
describe patterns of thoughts and behaviors that actually exist. It’s just that
there are diagnoses to fit everyone, and, even if you’re a mental health pro-
fessional, your own diagnosis always influences how you diagnose others.
Though it may be of some importance to recognize the disorders
that lead people to explode into anger, it is far less so than with other
explosive disorders. Anger, regardless of its source, must be managed
carefully to avoid escalation. The easiest way to make angry people
angrier is tell them they’re bad or wrong. Most of the diagnoses we use
for them are polite ways of saying just that. Many people who know a
little about diagnosing people are tempted to use that skill to win argu-
ments. This tacticalwaysfails. Can you imagine how you would feel if
you were upset, and instead of listening to you, people told you that you
were messed up in the head?
Explosions into Anger ❧ 209