The most important thing to remember is that you can achieve only one
goal. It’s impossible to simultaneously calm someone down, get him back, and
convince him that the whole thing is not really your fault. If you send mixed
messages, only the most aggressive will register, so choose carefully. In most
cases, the goal you want to achieve is calming the other person down
enough to have a rational discussion.
Speak Softly
In the Bible it says, “A soft answer turns away wrath.” This is excellent
advice, not just for the obvious reason that anger is loud, and speaking qui-
etly makes you seem less threatening. Soft speech will also make you feel
calmer because, as we have seen many times, internal state is strongly
influenced by external behavior.
In the section on basic calming, I suggested starting your message
loud and fast to synchronize with the jagged rhythm of anxiety. In defus-
ing anger, your goal is to break the rhythm, not join in.
If you happen to be thinking about the otherfamous quote about
speaking softly, the one by Theodore Roosevelt, bear in mind what I said
about mixed messages. Angry people will ignore the soft words and pay
attention to the stick. Teddy Roosevelt was never particularly effective at
soothing people who were angry at him.
Take Some Distance
Often, angry people will step into your personal bubble of space. They’ll
stand too close or attempt to loom over you. Such aggressive gestures will
automatically increase both your arousal and theirs. Moving forward, back-
ing up, or cowering, even if done only with your eyes by locking contact
or looking down, all signal fighting back or running away. Such expected
gestures will turn up the heat, even if you want to cool things down.
To be cool, you need to do something unexpected. Luckily, your neo-
cortex can come up with all sorts of options. Offer coffee, ask the person to
sit down, or step away to get something relevant, like a file, a pen to take notes,
or your glasses. All you need is a reason for moving; it doesn’t have to be a
good one. Remember, angry people are not too bright. Several times, I have
solved this ethological problem by countering one reflex with another. I start
coughing or act as if I’m about to sneeze. Even enraged psychotics step back.
The Instinct for Anger ❧ 235