The true master of doing the unexpected in aggressive situations is
Bugs Bunny. Watch a few of his films and learn. One of my favorites is
when Elmer Fudd is looming over him, raising a big stick, and Bugs says,
“Say, Doc, was you ever in pictures?” Then he starts laying on the flattery,
which, if you think about it, is absolutely the last thing an angry person
expects. With the help of a few cartoons, the next time you’re attacked,
you won’t have to act like a scared rabbit, you can act like a rascally one.
Do bear in mind that humor directed atpeople is an extremely
aggressive gesture. Bugs never stoops to sarcasm. He uses his wit not to
fight directly, but to distract. Learn from the master.
Never Reason with a Person Who’s Yelling
Yelling and thinking cannot occur simultaneously. If an angry person is
yelling, you need to get him or her to stop before you can go any further.
If you ask people to stop yelling, they may yell back that they are not
yelling but just have loud voices. You don’t want to go there. Getting peo-
ple to stop yelling is actually easier than you might think. Just keeping your
own voice soft may do the trick.
Another way is by saying, “Please speak more slowly. I’d like to under-
stand.” Often, angry people will comply without thinking. Reducing speed
will also reduce the volume. Have you ever tried to yell slowly? This strat-
egy works particularly well on the phone.
When you’re on the phone, also remember the Uh-huhrule. We usually
respond with “Uh-huh” when the other person takes a breath. If you go three
breaths without saying “Uh-huh,” the other person will stop and ask, “Are you
there?” This trick will allow you to interrupt a tirade without saying a word.
Validate the Problem or Emotional State
Repetition, both internal and external, is the heart of anger. If you can get
angry people to stop repeating, that pounding heart may slow, or even stop.
Repetition probably comes from the limbic system, the early mam-
malian part of the brain. Mammals are usually social creatures, and as
such have a drive to match their behavior with others of their kind. We
do this unconsciously; it’s what keeps us sane.
When we feel something that might make us different from the peo-
ple around us, like a strong burst of emotion, we feel a strong need to
check it out. Angry people are always doing this, asking if they’re justified
in feeling anger, and generally coming up with the wrong answer. Usually,
236 ❧Explosions into Anger