they’re asking themselves inside their own heads. This is what rumination
and all that mental finger-ticking is about. The main reason they ask them-
selves is that they perceive other people as hostile, frightened, or simply
as not listening. Angry people state their points, and the people around
them don’t recognize the implicit question, so the angry people repeat
themselves, more loudly each time. Of course, this makes the people
around them even less likely to answer the question in any useful way.
The way to stop this cycle is to listen, understand the question that’s
being asked, and answer, “Yes, you have a right to feel the way you do.” The
name for this process is validation. It is not the same thing as saying that
angry people are right, only that they have a right to feel what they feel.
Validation is ridiculously easy, but it makes a tremendous difference.
There are two ways to do it. You can validate the problem by restating it
and saying, “That is a problem.” You can validate the emotional state by
saying, “I can see how you’d be upset about that.” Don’t use the word
angr yunless you want to quibble over semantics. Everybody will admit to
being upset or concerned.
Validation is almost magical, but people who are confronted by anger
regularly forget to do it. Their reptile brain tells them that giving anything
is like giving in and letting the angry person be dominant.
Validation feels so great that it’s easily worth its weight in gold. Vali-
dation is the real reason people pay big bucks for psychotherapy.
Don’t Explain
Explanations are the way that primitive responses slither down from your rep-
tile brain and out your mouth. Explanations are usually a disguised form of
fighting back or running away. The typical explanation boils down to either:
- A play for dominance: If you know all the facts, you’ll see that
I’m right and you’re wrong. - A blatant attempt to run away: It wasn’t my fault, you should be
mad at somebody else. - Worst of all, invalidation: You have no right to be angry.
Whether you recognize the provocative aspect of your explanations
or not, angry people certainly will. Trust me on this if you don’t want to
get clobbered.
The Instinct for Anger ❧ 237