What Would You Like Me to Do?
This simple, unexpected question is absolutely the most useful tool you
will ever find for dealing with anger. Angry people either do not know or
will not admit what they want you to do. To answer this question, they’ll
have to stop and think, which is precisely what you want them to do. What
could be simpler or more devious?
In the next chapter we will explore a number of ways to use this strategy
as a way of opening up communication with the angry people in your life.
SayI to a Stranger, NotWe
This suggestion applies to work settings in which you’re dealing with angry
customers, or perhaps coworkers you don’t know. It will be easier for them
to be mean to you if you define yourself as a faceless functionary by
explaining your actions as company policy. Even if your company does
have a policy, you’ll be on safer ground if you make the situation more
personal. Say something like,“I’d like to help, but there are only a few
things I can do.”
Negotiate
The opposite of fighting is making a deal. I give you something; you give
me something. They even make deals in the animal world. If plovers can
step safely into crocodiles’ mouths to clean their teeth, you can figure out
some sort of give and take arrangement with the angry people in your life.
We’ll explore some negotiating strategies in the next chapter.
Better Living Through Ethology
There it is, the basic defusing approach. Better living through ethology. The
good news is that all of our instincts can be overridden by newer, more
sophisticated neural structures. The bad news is that using them is much
harder than going along with the evolutionary flow. Following instincts pro-
vides a feeling of moral certainty that is more intoxicating than any drug.
As we proceed into the next chapter, and an examination of psycho-
logical techniques for dealing with anger, remember this one warning from
the distant past: When you feel the most right, you’re in the most danger.
238 ❧Explosions into Anger