Punishment doesn’t cure anger. On the other hand, it’s important
that angry people believe in the inevitability of consequences strongly
enough to want to avoid them. Never threaten anything unless you’re sure
you can make it happen.
One other thing: Nobody is brave or saintly enough to follow all
these recommendations all the time. We’re all just plugging along, doing
the best we can.
Brandon’s wife told him that if he ever laid a hand on her, she’d
call the police. Once, when he was drinking, he shoved her into
a wall. She picked herself up, ran to the neighbor’s house, and
with trembling fingers tapped out 911, knowing that he would
hate her and fearing that she might deserve it.The most dangerous place to stand is between an angry person and
the consequences of his or her behavior, but it hurts so much to step aside.
That pain is the greatest gift you can give the angry people you care about,
even if it is the least appreciated and doesn’t always work.
Brandon’s first offense landed him in the unsuccessful anger control
class he joked about at Cassidy’s. Shortly afterward, a family intervention
got him into alcohol treatment.
To stop drinking was a tremendous improvement, but it didn’t solve
the anger control problem. His abused inner child was now making the
moral judgments.
In desperation, Brandon’s wife went to a psychologist I knew to get
help in sorting out her tangled feelings. Should she leave or stay? She felt
guilty, angry, and sad, but mostly confused. Brandon was better now that
he wasn’t drinking, but she couldn’t see herself and her children enduring
his temper much longer. But wasn’t that being selfish?
“Yes,” the psychologist says, “but what’s wrong with that?” The
psychologist goes on to reassure Brandon’s wife that confusion
is normal in such a confusing situation, and that doing what’s
best for her will also be best for Brandon. The psychologist com-
ments on how much courage it must have taken to call the
police, and ultimately how successful it had been.
“I had to,” Brandon’s wife says. “I told him I would if he
ever touched me.”The Psychology of Anger ❧ 243