David admits that he would be getting pretty angry,
because she does this all the time, and why can’t people plan to
be somewhere early in case there are delays?
“Now, what if you got a call saying that she was in a car
wreck and in the hospital?”
“I’d be there in a heartbeat.”
“But would you still be angry?”
“Of course not.”
“Why not?” I ask. “The situation is exactly the same. The
only thing that changed was what was going on in your mind.
When you think it’s deliberate, you get angry; when you think
it’s an accident, you forgive her in a heartbeat.”This is a typical lead-in to the idea that thoughts, not events, cause
anger, which we’ll discuss in greater detail in Step 3.
Something I hope you’ve noticed in all these case examples is that I
do my best to avoid moral judgments. As far as I’m concerned, agreeing
that they have an anger control problem is not a condition of treatment.
I seldom even use the word anger. This is a good strategy to remember.
Try not to set up situations in which giving you what you want constitutes
an automatic admission of guilt.
Therapists tricks aside, the very best way to convince angry people
that anger is their problem is to make it stop working. Angry explosions
are an attempt to get something—usually dominance or territory—which
angry reptile brains deceive people into thinking are the same as the love
and respect they really want. Sometimes the explosions are set off for little
more than the excitement of a good fight. If angry outbursts get people
what they want or think they want, they will occur more often. It’s the law
of anger.
If you know what an angry person is trying to get, you can make
informed decisions about when, whether, and under what conditions to give
it to them. Simple withholding will not work because it is an aggressive act
in itself. Withholding something else the angry person wants—in marriages,
sex and conversation are typical choices—is even more damaging. Few
marriages can withstand protracted trench warfare.
The best way to win a battle is to make it unnecessary to fight. Diplo-
macy allows both sides to achieve at least some of their objectives. Now
The Psychology of Anger ❧ 249