Asking questions is a simple and effective tactic, but you’ll find it sur-
prisingly difficult the first few times you try it. You’ll discover that every
angry person on earth already knows and uses it.
“Zack,” his wife says tentatively. “We seem to be getting into a
lot of arguments about housework. I think we need to make some
ground rules about who does what.”
“And why do we need to do that?”
“Well, to keep from getting into arguments.”
“We could keep from getting into arguments if you stopped
nagging me about taking out the garbage right in the middle of
the playoffs.”Oops! To keep control of the conversation, you need to start by ask-
ing the first question and then resisting your own reflexive answering.
Another caution: A favorite tactic of dominant people everywhere
is to ask you why you feel something or want something. Never answer
a why question! You will suddenly discover that the discussion has
changed to a critique and defense of your reasons, and your original
statement has suddenly changed to a tentative proposition that you will
only be allowed to keep if your reasons are good enough. When this hap-
pens, it will feel, correctly, as if your words are being pulled out of con-
text and twisted around. The purpose of a whyquestion is never to
understand your reasoning, it’s to elicit words that can be twisted. If you
don’t give them, there will be nothing to twist. Remember, the answer
to a why question is an explanation, and explaining always makes angry
situations worse.
It may take a number of attempts to clear a mine field. If you step
on a mine, don’t stay to argue irrelevant issues. Withdraw and fight your
own battle another day.
Zack’s wife holds up her hands and smiles as she backs away. “I
can see this isn’t a good time to talk about this. We’ll try again
another time.”
“And why isn’t this a good time?”
Zack’s wife shakes her head, still smiling.“Do you really
need to ask?”254 ❧Explosions into Anger