Brittany, or to consider the whole issue as beneath your notice. Neither of
these instinctive responses will be productive. Before you render a verdict,
get some independent information from every level of the hierarchy, then
think: What would the Lion King do?
Case 2: Anger from Someone Who Wants to Be Your Boss
Usually the person who most wants to be your boss is your spouse. Most
marital bullying and nagging has simple control as its goal. The basic
defusing technique or the mine field variation is often enough to render
these explosions less effective, and therefore less harmful.
Attacks from the moral high ground are different, and, if you don’t
respond carefully, more devastating than mere attempts to boss you. The
goal of moral attacks is to control you by using your own actions as evidence
that you lack basic human virtues such as love, respect, and honesty.
Late at night following the restaurant debacle, David is still
regaling his wife. “How many times have I told you how important
punctuality is to me? I move heaven and earth to be on time for
you or the kids. But does that make any difference to you? Not
from what I’ve seen. Maybe you just don’t care.”
“I told you I was sorry.”
“Sorry! That’s all you ever say. If what I felt made any
difference to you, I’d see some action on your part and not keep
hearing one excuse after another.”Angry explosions from the moral high ground are more like inquisi-
tions than trials. Many, like this one, involve endless cross examinations, often
followed by several days of cold shoulder, then another round of interroga-
tion. The purpose of these explosions seems to be to get you to admit your
unexpressed hatred, but their real function is to get you to prove your love.
People who explode in this way are often extremely distrustful and
suspicious. They continually examine the behavior of others for signs of
independent thinking, which to them is the first step on the road to
betrayal. Any action that does not seem to place their needs first is dealt
with severely, by holding it up as a sign of disrespect, dishonesty, or lack
of caring. The higher the moral authority cited, the more cruelty is
allowed. When angry people start talking for God, they free themselves
260 ❧Explosions into Anger