of all earthly restraint. It will be up to you to prove your love by abasing
yourself, admitting your wrongdoing, and promising never to make the
same mistake again. Often, in marriages, having eager demonstrative sex
after hours of browbeating is also a condition for forgiveness.
Explosions from the moral high ground can be dangerous. The more
you participate, the worse they get. The techniques we’ve discussed so far
will have little effect unless you’re able to awaken the still, small voice in the
angry person’s heart that speaks of virtue first and human failings second.
This is a difficult task, even for God. For you, it will require clean hands,
a pure heart, and the courage of a saint. Divine intervention may also
come in handy. At the very least, consult a therapist.
David’s wife came in to see me by herself at first, feeling hurt and
confused. She couldn’t understand why David was always telling her that
she didn’t love him. It was getting to the point where she was beginning to
believe it herself. Her own doubts, as you might imagine, made her situation
even more difficult to handle. We talked for a long time. I tried to explain
the dynamics of the interaction.
Explosions from the moral high ground are usually quite predictable.
The point at which you have to intervene is when the angry person starts
saying something to the effect of, If you loved me, you’d never have done what
you did. If you do not dispute the connection immediately, you’ll find your-
self in for hours of torture to reassure your tormentor that your love is true.
Love must be felt; it cannot be proven. Look into your heart as your
inquisitor approaches and take strength from what you know is there. Let
love give you the courage to speak.
David’s wife stands tall, like Joan of Arc about to be consigned
to the flames. “David,” she says, “I admit to being late to the
restaurant, and even to not being as organized and punctual as
you are, but I deny that those actions mean I don’t love you and
don’t respect you.
“Before you say anything more to me, you have to look into
your own heart and decide whether or not I love you. If you think
I don’t, you should leave me. If you think I do, you should ask
yourself why you keep trying to prove to yourself that I don’t.”That night, after much soul searching, David realized that his pain
was caused by his own anger, not an uncaring wife. Transformations of
The Psychology of Anger ❧ 261