them. This perception is mostly wishful thinking. You cannot know
whether the instigator is more like Brittany or you are more like Jenna
unless you check the perceptions of people you trust to tell you the truth.
REMEMBER, IF YOU’RE A MANAGER, YOU’RE LARGER THAN LIFE. If you’re
the boss, everything you say and do, when talked about behind your back,
will be distorted beyond recognition. This phenomenon is especially hard
for newer managers to grasp. The tiniest criticisms will be described as ver-
bal abuse. To your face, people will say you’re great, but that you could maybe
make a few tiny improvements. You should figure that reality is somewhere
in the middle.
FIND OUT WHAT THE PROBLEM IS BEFORE YOU TRY AND SOLVE IT. This
usually involves individual meetings with everyone in the department, get-
ting everyone’s views, and sifting through the information for common pat-
terns. For a more candid response, ask people to talk about the problems
others are having. Most people will not want to admit that they have any prob-
lem with your actions.
LISTEN WITHOUT TRYING TO CORRECT MISINFORMATION. This is hard.
What’s bothering people is usually based on errors, misconceptions, and
incomplete understanding. The temptation will be strong to jump right in
and clear everything up by explaining the real situation. DON’T DO IT!
Your helpfulness will be seen as an attempt to cut off discussion. People have
to be able to say what’s on their minds. Remember that explanations inten-
sify angry explosions.
If the explosion occurs in a group setting, your best bet is to let your
detractors run on. If they’re raging and you are calm and courteous, their
support is likely to evaporate.
Listening is important, but it’s very hard. Sometimes it’s helpful to
have a neutral party, like a consultant, do the listening and present the
information to you for consideration before you make any response.
ACKNOWLEDGE AT LEAST THREE MISTAKES. This step should happen
in your own heart, not necessarily in public. Based on everything you’ve
heard, you need to take responsibility for at least three mistakes. Real mis-
takes, not misunderstandings. Unless the mistakes were explosions of your
The Psychology of Anger ❧ 263