where people would go, how long they would stay, what would happen if
somebody called time out in the car, and so forth. This was one of the few
times Brandon and his wife worked together on the anger problem. The
ground rules that apply to all time-outs are: no discussion, no parting shots,
no following, and if the sign is not obeyed immediately, the other person
leaves the house.
For Brandon, I reframed walking away and letting his family have
some control over him as a sign of strength. For his wife, I pointed out
that using time out was the best way to help everyone she loved. I told
them both that their typical way of settling differences wasn’t working,
and that before we could come up with a new one, there had to be a reliable
way of disrupting the old pattern.
Time-out is a temporary solution, but it’s an absolute necessity when
there is anger that anger might become physical. When people use the tech-
nique even once or twice, they discover that walking away is hard, but when
they do, it makes anger much easier to deal with. At the very least, it makes
explanations and accusing the other person of starting the fight irrelevant.
RELAXATION AND EXERCISE. As you already know, I’m into duct tape. I
appreciate simple tools that can fix a lot of different problems. Relaxation,
exercise, and serotonin reuptake inhibitors are like psychological duct tape.
They can hold situations together long enough to make more permanent
repairs.
“Jenna,” I say, tracing out a line in the air with my finger after
explaining the fight or flight response “This is a normal level of
physical arousal.” I make another line about a foot above the
first. “Here’s you.” I draw a third line an inch above the second.
“Here’s where you explode. To get your anger under control, we
have to do everything we can to get your arousal down here.You already know the rest of this spiel. The short version is: If you’re
relaxed, there’s no way you can get angry. Angry people need relaxation train-
ing more than people with other explosive disorders, not because they’re
more aroused, but because they’re less aware of their arousal. Angry people
focus on the external situation, and often do not notice tension building
inside themselves until it emerges as a blast of depression turned outward.
The Psychology of Anger ❧ 267