they were hurt children, or honor their sadness by listening. Both of
these responses will encourage Rachel to recount the whole list of every-
thing she feels bad about. But repeating that list to herself is what keeps
her feeling bad. It may give her some temporary relief to retell her tale
of woe to a sympathetic listener, but in the long run it will only make
her and you feel worse. And the last thing either of you need is for
Rachel to decide that your office is a safe place to come when she needs
to cry.
Don’t wait for Rachel to finish crying, and don’t try to get her to stop.
Just hand her another Kleenex and ask her about the specific situation that
has her upset. Your goal is to move her off her self-imposed trail of tears
and in the direction of solving her own problems.
DON’T TRY TO MAKE HER FEEL BETTER. I’m not suggesting that you be
cold and uncaring, only that you can’tmake her feel better. She has to do
that for herself, or it won’t work for more than a few minutes. As we will see
throughout this book, temporary solutions only lead to more problems.
INTERRUPT TO KEEP HER FOCUSED. Rachel deserves to be heard, but
try to restrict your listening to one issue presented one time. Recitation of
the litany of misfortune is the essence of depression. When Rachel starts
repeating herself or dredging through her history for other sources of pain,
it will actually help if you interrupt. Do it gently; say: “Maybe we should
deal with one thing at a time.” Try to keep her focused on the specific
problem and what she’s going to do about it, rather than letting her make
herself feel worse while you sit there being polite. Certainly there are times
that talking about problems helps to make them better, but repeating the
same talk generally makes them worse.
SET LIMITS BEFORE THE CONVERSATION BEGINS. Just because some-
one else defines a situation as an emergency doesn’t mean that it is. Rachel
has been struggling with depression long enough that a few minutes more
are not going to make a big difference. It may actually help her pull her-
self together if you tell her that you can talk to her in half an hour. Delays
often require people to mobilize their own internal resources while they’re
waiting to be rescued.
18 ❧Emotional Explosions