When you begin talking with Rachel, let her know in advance how
much time you’re willing to spend. Fifteen minutes is usually enough to
help, if you stay focused. More time usually accomplishes less. If the sit-
uation warrants, you can extend the time, but the important thing is that
you stay in control of what you’re offering.
ASK WHAT SHE WANTS YOU TO DO. Before you engage in a heavy-duty
conversation, make sure you both know what you’re trying to achieve. You
want Rachel to think about what she wants rather than just allowing her
to dump her feelings on the floor and have you sort through them look-
ing for an answer.
Know in advance what role she expects you to play. If she just wants
you to listen, fine. Do so for the time limit you’ve set; fifteen minutes was
suggested above. If she’s looking for a solution, you can steer the conver-
sation in that direction from the start.
ASK FOR SOLUTIONS, DON’T OFFER THEM. The most important thing
you can say to a person like Rachel is, “What are you going to do about
it?” In one simple sentence you are defining the situation as a problem to
be solved rather than a disaster, and stating that it is her responsibility to
come up with the solution. Often it helps to ask someone like Rachel what
she’s done before to deal with such problems. If it worked in the past,
maybe she should try it again.
NEVER ACCEPT“I DON’T KNOW.” Count on the fact that the people
described in this book will answer most questions with “I don’t know.”
They typically prefer that you come up with all the ideas and explanations,
so they can tell you what’s wrong with them.
Never skip over an “I don’t know” and just move on to another topic.
Stop right there and keep asking questions until you find something the
person does know.
IDENTIFY OTHER SOURCES OF SUPPORT. You’re probably not trained to
do psychotherapy, and even if you are, you shouldn’t do it without an appoint-
ment in the middle of a workday. If you feel you’re in over your head when
dealing with a person like Rachel, tell her. Ask with whom she usually
The Blast Zone ❧ 19