correct his facts. The goal is to have him empty his head of the material
he’s been using to stay angry.
Don’t give him anything new at this point, he’ll only misunderstand.
Try to avoid answering questions. Angry people in the midst of their ini-
tial rant often ask things like, “How would you feel if someone robbed
you?” If you say you’d be upset, Brandon will take it as an admission that
the late charge is robbery. If you tell him he isn’t being robbed, he’ll have
to explain why he is. You can’t win. It’s better to defer his questions with
statements like, “What I feel isn’t important. I’m more concerned with
what you feel.”
Eventually, you will have to interrupt, or Brandon will merely shift
into an external version of the self-stoking he’s been doing internally. The
time to make your move is when he starts repeating himself or ticking
points off on his fingers. This is a sure sign that he is no longer talking to
you but has gone back to fueling his internal fire.
The best way to interrupt is by restating what he’s been telling you..
ACKNOWLEDGE HIS RIGHT TO BE ANGRY. Bear in mind that the tirade
you’re hearing began as an attempt to answer the question, “Do I have a
reason to be angry?” The question is still on the table, and you must
answer it in the affirmative if you want the harangue to stop. This does
not mean that you have to agree with Brandon’s interpretation, only that
you affirm his right to be angry. Everyone has the right to be angry. Say
something like, “I can see why you’d be upset over a late charge.” Bear in
mind when you’re validating that angry people seldom call their emotional
state anger, since that is a pejorative term. You seldom go wrong validat-
ing emotional states using the terms upset or concerned.
The simplicity of this technique often causes people to underesti-
mate its importance and leave it out. Until you acknowledge his suffering,
Brandon will resist any attempt to end it, even by writing off the late
charge on the spot. To most angry people, the validation is more impor-
tant than having you solve the problem for them.
DO NOT EXPLAIN! To an angry person, explanations sound like, “Unless
you’re really stupid, you’ll see that you have no cause to be angry at me
when you’re the one who’s wrong.”
24 ❧Emotional Explosions