get better could be taken as evidence that there was nothing wrong in the
first place.
By trying to make Jane feel better, her husband was actually mak-
ing her worse. This unfortunate pattern is often repeated between explo-
sive people and those who care most about them. Mental disorders are
made of exaggerated emotions. They elicit exaggerated reactions from
other people, which in turn elicit more exaggerated emotions. It’s hard
to believe in an illness whose very nature is changed by whether or not
you believe in it.
Jane’s husband ended up giving the tickets to his brother and sister-
in-law. He resented it, but felt it was better than hurting Jane’s feelings by
going without her. Of course, he never asked her whether that would be
okay with her because she was already upset and he didn’t want to make
the situation worse.
It was actually several years before Jane’s husband learned to navi-
gate emotional cross-currents more effectively. I taught him a trick that’s
useful to me in doing therapy: When you get stuck, forget psychology and
look at economics.
Dealing effectively with explosive people is like making a business
deal. To know whether it will fly, you have to do a cost-benefit analysis.
Ask yourself:
WHAT DO YOU WANT? In Jane’s husband’s case, he wanted Jane to go
with him to the game, have a good time, and just be normal.
WHAT WOULD IT COST THE OTHER PERSON TO GIVE IT TO YOU? For
Jane, it would amount to a few hours of jumping out of a plane with-
out a parachute. Though her husband cannot feel what Jane does, he
knows enough to realize that being in a crowd can be pretty awful for
her, even if she doesn’t experience a panic attack. She’d like to just be
normal too, but doesn’t know how. It’s a pretty good bet that baseball
won’t cure her.
WHAT ARE YOU OFFERING? To Jane, the contingencies are clear. Her
husband wants her to suffer through the game to make him happy, or
perhaps to avoid seeing him moping around.
32 ❧Emotional Explosions