Would you take this deal? Jane’s husband was a businessman. Had
he used a business approach to analyze the deal he was offering , he would
have realized that no one in her right mind would take the deal. Jane
might have a mental disorder, but she wasn’t crazy.
When we reach an impasse with explosive people, often it’s because
we’re offering what, from their point of view, is a really bad deal. This is
far more likely when we think we’re only trying to help them, not get any-
thing for ourselves. In economics, there is no altruism, so we’re forced to
look for self-interest at the heart of every action. Most explosive people feel
tremendous pressure to get better to please us. Unless we stop and ana-
lyze the economics of the situation from their point of view, we’re likely
to continue offering bad deals and wondering why they don’t just snap
them up. Problems arise not only from low-ball offers, but, as we’ll see
later, from offers that are too good to be true.
If the deal you’re offering doesn’t pencil out, you negotiate. Jane’s
husband would probably have done better had he told her that he was
pulled in two directions—wanting to support her and wanting to go to the
game—and asked for her suggestions about a deal that would work. Jane
might have told him to go with his brother and have a good time.
Would she have meant it? Who knows? I’m not naive enough to
believe that people will always say what they really want as opposed to
what they think you want to hear. I do know that it’s a step in the right
direction to get the deals we live by out on the table, where we can dis-
cuss them, rather than assuming we know what other people want. None
of us can read minds.
Speaking of moving in the right direction, Jane’s husband was able
to help her talk herself out of her fear and go places. The trick was doing
it one little step at a time. We’ll talk more about this in the section on
explosions into fear. For now, back into confusion.
Rachel’s Depression
Another reason people have a hard time grasping mental disorders is that
they don’t make logical sense. Remember Rachel, who cried in your office.
Depression has been a problem for her since she graduated from high
school. Let’s look at something that happened back then.
What’s Wrong with These People? ❧ 33