Feel Better or Do Better?
Explosive people just want to feel better as quickly as possible. We want
them to feel better. Everyone seems to believe that if they feel better,
they’ll do better, which is what we really want.
Yet another reason mental disorders are confusing is that the things
that make people feel better quickest, usually make them do worse.
More than anything else, explosive people need to learn how to feel
bad; that is, not to wait until they feel better to do the things that will make
them feel better. Teaching them that is an art.
Whatever else they are, symptoms of mental disorders are also dash-
board warning lights. They let people know that something important
needs to be fixed. Making symptoms go away without fixing their cause is
like putting duct tape over the glowing lights.
Emotional explosions are the unintended by-product of this process.
Mental disorders hurt, and the people who have them want to feel
better.Brandon drinks beer, and Jane hides from the things she fears, and
Rachel incessantly cries out in the night for reassurance. These strategies
make them worse, and at some level they know it. But they’re unwilling
to stop doing what makes them feel better quickest until the pain burns
its way through the duct tape. All they can do is display their distress, hop-
ing you will make it go away. Emotional explosions are that display.
“Rachel,” you say after half an hour on the phone. “I’m
exhausted tonight, and I’ve got to get up early in the morning.”
“That’s fine,” she says, after a long pause. “I really shouldn’t
be bothering you anyway. Maybe I should just go someplace
where I won’t bother anybody.”
Rachel hangs up, and you lie there in the darkness, won-
dering what’s going on in her head. Is she talking about killing
herself? She wouldn’t do that, would she? You begin wondering
how many pills she has, and realize that you aren’t going to be
able to sleep anyway. You dial her number.Here is your dilemma: If you don’t call, she may harm herself; if you
do, you make yourself the equivalent of an addictive drug.
What’s Wrong with These People? ❧ 41