needs but our own. To get better, we have to stand up for our-
selves, be assertive. But when I try it at home, you just call it
being grumpy. What kind of emotional support is that?”Brandon’s vocabulary has increased, but he’s still telling the same old
story: His anger is not his responsibility. Now it’s because he’s a victim of
post-traumatic stress, handicapped by perceiving even the most loving crit-
icism as verbal abuse.
Even if he were correct, how would you accommodate him? By
never criticizing?
That’s how Brandon’s wife saw it. Eventually she got sick of it and
moved out. It was the best thing anybody ever did for Brandon. For the
first time, he became aware that what happened next in his life was up to
him. We’ll continue his story in the section on explosions into anger.
Being a victim is seductive. We live in an age in which people seem
willing to trade control of their lives for the knowledge that their suffer-
ing is someone else’s fault, and perhaps for the chance to talk about that
to someone on daytime TV. Counselors who’ve been abused, anxious, suf-
fered from post-traumatic stress, or depressed themselves tell us that vic-
tims are handicapped and that the appropriate accommodation is to revere
them for the suffering they’ve endured. What they don’t tell us is that what
goes around, comes around. People who see themselves as victims usually
end up unconsciously victimizing other people.
What victims really need is to get a life. Or actually, to realize that
they have one and are in danger of losing it unless they pay more atten-
tion to what they’re doing and less to what’s been done to them.
Mental or Environmental?
Maybe it’s not illness that causes all the problems; maybe it’s just stress.
Stress is insensitive people, screaming kids, ringing cell phones, and
not having enough hours in the day. Stress gives us headaches and makes
holes in our brains. It makes our arteries less flexible and it inhibits our
immune systems. But if your pain is caused by stress, it means it’s not really
there and you should ignore it, because your doctor will.
What’s Wrong with These People? ❧ 47