applies even to angry people, but in that case it must be done carefully.
You’ll learn how in the section on anger.
Once you begin trying to calm people, you must at least attempt to
keep control of the conversation. Occasionally, frightened people will begin
asking questions, expecting you to provide answers. Don’t get started down
this track, because you’ll always end up at an awkward point at which you have
to lie, admit you don’t know, or even acknowledge that people do get squished
in falling elevators. Sidestep questions as best you can. Just stick with the dull
old repetitions of the same reassuring things you’ve been saying.
Psychologists are fond of writing about steps and stages as if human
experience moved in a straight line. Real life, rather than an orderly pro-
gression through stages, is more like a game of Twister, an awkward
attempt to maintain balance while stretched between contradictory
thoughts, feelings, and beliefs. Nobody is ever in only one psychological
place at any given time. Everything is always happening at once.
The steps in calming are sequential—you have to do the earlier ones
before the later ones are possible—but that doesn’t mean they occur in
any kind of orderly sequence. Rather than a journey from here to there,
think of them as a dance that involves a good deal of backtracking and
waltzing around as you move from one psychological place to another. If
you lead, explosive people will follow, even if you feel that you’re both
dancing in the dark.
IF PEOPLE HARDLY NOTICE, IT MEANS YOU DID IT RIGHT. When you do
a good job of calming people down, they think they did it themselves. They
did. You only showed them how. Don’t expect gratitude, even when the pan-
icky person is someone you know well. Especially then. Beware of explosive
people bearing gifts. It may be flattering, but it benefits no one if they require
half an hour of your undivided attention every time they need to calm down.
As you can see, calming frightened people is not rocket science. It
is, however, an art that demands a bit of timing and subtlety. It’s easy to
think too much about whatto say, and too little abouthowto say it, when,
and why. Forget about memorizing phrases. If you concentrate on the
music, the words will take care of themselves.
Good.
You’re going to be okay.
64 ❧Explosions into Fear