The New York Times Magazine - USA (2022-03-20)

Illustration by Louise Zergaeng Pomeroy

Several years ago, I told my sister that I
wouldn’t be upset if we never spoke
again. Recently her husband, with whom
I have a good relationship, asked me
to reconsider. I’m torn. I don’t want to have
any contact with her, but I don’t want to
deny my two adult daughters contact
with the only family that exists on my side.
Growing up, my sister and I experienced
daily physical and emotional abuse from
our mother, who was prone to frequent
outbursts of terrifying rage. (My father was
the invisible man, allowing her ego and
anger to run amok.) Today I am in my
early 70s. My sister is a few years younger.
We were never close but we used to get
together for holidays. We live hundreds
of miles apart; my sister remained
in the city where we grew up and where
my mother continued to live after my
father passed away.
Some time ago, my mother ran into
health problems and was hospitalized.
My sister told me that she had done her
part and that now our mother was my
problem. For a year, I traveled back and
forth every weekend to deal with my

mother’s health issues. Th en I moved

her to a retirement home near me, and

until her death made hundreds of visits

to see her there and in the hospital.

Th roughout this period, my sister’s

behavior was appalling. Before I moved

my mother, she divided up her jewelry,

taking everything of value for herself and

leaving my two daughters with leftovers.

(My sister said that as my mother’s only

daughter she was entitled to the jewelry,

and my girls should be grateful that they

got anything.) When I wanted to arrange

extra care for my mother, my sister said

I could pay for it; she wasn’t going to

allow me to piss away her inheritance,

which was not substantial in any event.

After my mother’s death, I found the

stress of dealing with my sister’s self-

absorption and anger increasingly diffi cult.

I know that my sister has her own legacy

from our traumatic upbringing; she has

talked about having been in therapy for

decades. I’ve told my daughters that I

absolutely don’t want to stand in their way

if they want to interact with my sister. Th ey

have spoken with her a few times on the

14 3.20.22 Illustration by Tomi Um

phone but found the calls awkward. My

stress level is defi nitely lower without

having to deal with my sister, but I wonder

if I am being unreasonable about this.

Name Withheld

There’s a sense in which you seem to be

collateral damage, an incidental casual-

ty of your sister’s justifi ed anger toward

her mother. Knowing what you do about

what your sister has endured, wouldn’t

it be great if you could just let go of your

own rancor? Well, something of a para-

dox arises here. Respond to someone’s

shabby behavior with resentment, and

you’re treating her as a moral agent

capable of making her own decisions.

Respond with irenic understanding, and

you’re treating her as a patient or a pup-

pet, someone acted upon and controlled

by larger forces. It’s a distinction that the

philosopher P.F. Strawson marked as one

between ‘‘reactive’’ and ‘‘objective’’ atti-

tudes. ‘‘To understand all is to forgive

all,’’ the old French maxim insists. Such

forgiveness comes at a steep moral price.

At this point in your life, you may cer-

tainly conclude, adopting the reactive

posture, that your obligations toward

your sister have been eroded by her dis-

regard for you; because she doesn’t seem

to value her relationship with you, you

struggle to fi nd value in your relation-

ship with her. You have commendably

insisted that your strained relationship

with your sister shouldn’t impede your

daughters from establishing their own

ties. If that hasn’t gone well, it isn’t obvi-

ously your doing.

But there is another relationship that

you do value, which has associated obli-

gations, too: It’s with your brother-in-law.

You might want to spend some time with

him and your sister, not for her sake but

for his. That argues for trying to build a

relationship with your sister that you can

value — a relationship with a person, not

a patient. The work of repair, I’d guess,

would involve both hearing her out and

asking her to acknowledge that she has

let you down.

Although certain religious traditions

teach that we should forgive uncondi-

tionally, forgiveness is more naturally

seen as a response to remorse. And if

you and your sister fail to fi nd common

ground, you can tell your brother-in-law

that you made an eff ort but no headway.

Can I Sever Ties With

My Selfi sh Sister?

To submit a query:

Send an email to

ethicist@nytimes

.com; or send mail

to The Ethicist, The

New York Times

Magazine, 620

Eighth Avenue, New

York, N.Y. 10018.

(Include a daytime

phone number.)

Grace writes: I

have a wonderful

boyfriend, Alex, who

plans fun surprises

for my birthday. I

love it, but I’m guilty

of badgering him for

details in advance.

He recently said he

would start telling

me the truth when I

asked. Please order

him not to do this

and instead accept

this behavior as

part of the process.

————

Ah, a classic case of

‘‘Be careful what you

wish for’’ (which is

also what I whisper

menacingly into my

children’s ears

when they confront

their birthday

candles). I advise

you to practice

gratitude. You have

a generous partner

who celebrates you

every year in the

way you wish! Why

punish him with the

‘‘fun’’ of a joyless,

no-win interrogation?

I rule in Alex’s favor.

Moreover, he has

revealed to me your

next three birthday

gifts: glamping

on an oil rig, 1,

limes and a pet

jaguar named Chris.

These may or may

not be true, but my

sentence is that you

suffer the mystery.

Bonus Advice

Fr o m J u d g e

John Hodgman

The Ethicist By Kwame Anthony Appiah