Elle_Australia_Sep_2019

TORMENTED?

DRIVEN WITLESS?

FEAR NOT,

HELP IS JUST

A SHORT

LETTER AWAY

ASK

E JEAN

ADVICE

Photography: Gieves Anderson. Makeup: William Murphy for Tom Ford

HOPELESSLYDEVOTED

I’mscaredtodeathofdivorce— orrather,

lifeafterdivorce.Myhusbandis anarmy

recruiterstationedinanotherstate.I have

agreatjobandmyparentshelp take

careofourthree-year-oldson.

He recently visited us fora week.

Iwasextremelyexcited,buthestayed

with his mother. (He claimed he was

helpingherwithherroof.)Mysonand

I hardly saw him. There was no sex.

Actually,thereneveris.

I’mwritingbecauseI’msupposedto

visit him when I’m interstate for my

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company’s sales meeting. I’ll be 20

minutesawayfromwherehelives.Hejust

calledandsaidhehasseveralmeetings

duringthetimeI’mthere, so we won’t be

abletogettogether.

I’vestartedcounsellingtofindoutwhy

I haveaDisney-movieviewofmarriage.

I’m so sexually frustrated it’s not even

funny.I don’twanttocheat.Andgood

Lord,I’mterrifiedofdivorceandhavingto

findanewmanwho’s good enough for

meandmyson.

• DISNEYINMARRIAGE
  Marriage, my magnolia:Youalready
  aredivorced.Letmeputit inDisneyterms:
  your nincompoop prince, instead of
  jumping in bed and plucking your
  begoniaseverynight,spendshisleave
  cowering on hismother’s roof like the
  raccooninPocahontas.
  Andyou,despiteyourpremonitionsof
  impending doom, are managing your
  career and son quite brilliantly while
  riding on greatsilver birds to national
  salesmeetings.Youcouldnotbemore
  separatedfromthechump.Hirea lawyer,
  work out a creative co-parenting
  arrangementandmakeit official.Afuture
  of non-Disney enchantment awaits!

SOMEFREEADVICE

I’m a psychotherapist, and whenever

I visit hairstylists, nail professionals,

massage therapists, etcetera, they ask

formyadviceonrelationships,families,

friendsandsoon.Intheend,I’mpaying

them for their services but they’re not

paying me for mine during our time

together. Even if I hint towards the

issue,they’reoblivious. It sounds silly, but

it’sbotheringme.

• ANONYMOUS

Anon, my anemone: Next time the

stylistlooksdolefullyatyouinthemirror

and launches into his latestquagmire,

hand him your card, smile and say,

“My hour with you is one of my

sweetest escapes from the worries of

theworld.If youwanttotalk, I’d love to

seeyouatmyoffice.”

Personally,I’degg‘emon!Forme,

discussingquandariesaddstothegenial

atmosphere, my hairdresser gets their

problemsolvedandI gainnewinsights

formycolumn!Thehideouscatastrophes

ofmyownlifeareputinperspective, and

my hair turns out fabulous.

KEEPINGUPAPPEARANCES

I’ma24-year-oldplus-sizewoman.I’ve

metsomeoneonlineI likeandhewantsto

meet.Thatwouldbefine,exceptI haven’t

been 100 per cent honest about my

weight.I’mintoodeepanddon’twantto

losehimasafriend(ormore).Ialsofeel

bad for talking to him for two years

withouttellinghimthetruth.I’veneverhad

aboyfriend,andI knowyoushouldn’t

startsomethingoffona lie.Anyadvice?

• DON’TWANTTOBEFOREVERALONE
  Miss Don’t, my dear: Not to mince
  words:I loveyou.Youmaybetheonly
  womanleftwhodoesn’tyammerabout
  herappearancetofriends.Thisis a virtue,
  nota“lie”.Ifyouwanttomentionyour
  spectacularness at some point, simply
  signyourletters“ZaftigWoman”.
  PS:The fact thechaphasn’t asked
  youtoFaceTimetellsmehehasa secret,
  too.Keepthisinmind,anddon’tjudge
  himonhislookswhenyoumeet.E
  Ask a question: tweet @ejeancarroll

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