ERIC RAY DAVIDSON/TRUNK ARCHIVE/SNAPPER IMAGES. *NAMES AND OTHER IDENTIFYING DETAILS HAVE BEEN CHANGED
METCHRIS*FOURANDAHALFYEARSAGO.
I’dmoveddownfromCanberraandhadbeenlivingin
Melbournefora fewmonths.Helefta beautifulnote
onmycarwithhisnameanddetails.Mybrotherknew
him;heworkedinsales.I didmyresearchandhewas
seeminglya niceguy.Evenso,I wascareful.Wemetfor
thefirsttimein a publicplace.Hewasfromthecountry,
e singledadwithfamilymorals.I scrutinisedhimfor
a longtime.I methisfriends.Thiswasa decentguy,I thought.
Wewerefriendsforabouta year,graduallydevelopinga roman-
ticconnection.HewastotallydifferenttoanymanI’deverdated.
Myfamilyandfriendslovedhim.I lovedhim.Wegotengaged
abouta yearanda halflater.Weboughta houseandmovedin
together;everythingwasgoingwell.Wewerealsogoingthrougha
majorcustodybattleoverhisyoungestdaughter,whichhadbeen
happeningforthebulkofourrelationship.It wascomplexandit
tooka lotoutof bothof us,butI thoughtit wasmakingusstronger.
ByMarch,we’dfinallygotthecourtcaseoutoftheway.That
wasthereasonwehadn’tgotmarried.It wasallgoingtohappen
thisyear;wehadplanstogetlifebackontrack.Then,inApril,I
wasinnocentlyhidinghisbirthdaypresentinourbedroomcup-
boardandI cameacrossa strangelittleblackbox.It hada memory
card,a lensanda recordbutton.I googled“blackboxcamera”.
It wasa videocamera,I learnt.Withnightvision.
I confrontedChrisaboutit andhesaid,“Ijust
boughtit.I’veneverusedit,it’sjustbeensitting
there.”I askedwhyheboughtit at allandhesaid
hethoughthiseldestdaughterhadbeensneaking
boyfriendsintothehouse.Butshe’dmovedoutin
July,sothatdidn’tmakesense.Besides,it wasn’t
thetypeofcamerayou’dbuytochecktheoutside
ofthehouseif someonewassneakingin.I said,
“I’vegotthememorycard.What’sonit?Whatam
I goingtosee?”Hetoldmehehadbeenfilming
meforsixmonths.
Chrisoftensurprisedmewithromanticgestures
to sweepmeoffmyfeet.Heonceprepareda beauti-
fulbookofallourmemoriestogether,withlovely
quotes.Anothertime,I wenttoSydneyfora week
andwhenI camebackhewasstandingattheairportina limou-
sine-drivercostume,holdinga signwithmynameonit.He’dcreate
treasurehuntsandleavecluesformearoundthehouse.Butclearly
somethingelsehadalsobeengoingonbehindthescenes.
I askedif therewereanyothercameras.Hevolunteeredwhat
lookedlikea carkey—properspystuff.Chrissworehehadnever
usedit.Myimmediatereactionwas:Ohmygod,what’sgoingon?
I askedtoseehisphoneandfoundanarticleaboutswingingin
Melbourne.I askedhim,“Isthissomethingthatinterestsyou?”
TherewasnothingelseI couldconnecttothecameras.I askedfor
hiscomputer,andheactuallyhandedit over.Hesaidhewassorry.
Hekeptsaying,“I don’tknowwhyI didit,I knewit waswrong.”
I movedintoa hotelandstartedgoingthroughhiscomputer.
Hehadalwaysseemeda bitofa Luddite—hecouldn’tevencon-
nectthetelevision;I hadtodoallthosesortsofthings—yethe
wasactuallyquiteadvanced.HehadsavedSkypeandtextconver-
sationswithimagesthatwentbackyearswiththreegirlsin particu-
lar.Theyweretalkingaboutattendingswingers’andcouples’clubs;
therewassextingandnakedphotos,andreferencestowho‘played’
witheachotherattheseclubs.Hewasboastinginthemessages
about beinginorgies andhiringescorts.Thisallpre-datedour
relationship,butI wantedtoknowthedepthof whatI wasdealing
with. His online persona was so different to howhe’dever spokentome—a wholedifferentlanguage.It’snotthatwedidn’thave
a sexlife.Butwithme,hewasultra-vanilla—boring,even.
I founda coupleof bankstatementssavedonhiscomputer.Inthe
twomonthsI couldtrack,he’dspentthousandsonlivesexchats.
Therewasa folderofabout 30 girls,withnames,picturesofthem
nakedin differentpositions,reviewsandprices—theywereclearly
escorts.Thereviewsseemedtobeinhiswritingstyle,butwhenI
askedChrisaboutthem,heinsistedit wasallonlineactivityonly.
Finally,I wasableto unlockthefilesandphotoshehadtakenof me.
Thiswasthehardestpart—youshouldneverhaveto seeyourself
likethat.I hadhadbreastimplantsremovedandhadsaidtohim,
“I’mgoingtoneedsomespaceandtimetohealanddealwithmy
bodychanging.”But,ofcourse,hehadbeenfilmingmedressing
mywoundsandeverything.Therewerehundredsoffilesthatcap-
tured everything I did in the vicinity of the bedroom, even
motion-triggerednightvision. He’dedited andtaggedthefilms
usingcolours.Theywerein three-minutebursts,andprimarilyI was
naked.I askedhim,“Whatis thistagging?”Hesaid,“It’sto dowith
howactiveyouwere,”‘active’referringtonudity.Hehadalsosaved
linkstoadultmatchmakersites,swingingsites,pornsitesabout
voyeurism.I wasstruckbytheobviousthought:Haveimagesof me
gonesomewhereelse?I keptgoingthroughhiscomputerlikea crazy
woman,tryingtoseeif thephotosorfootagehadbeenuploaded
online.I wouldwalkdownthestreetandfeelasif
everyonehadseenme,particularlyeveryman.I was
a wreck.I felttotallyinvaded.
Myfirstinstinctwastogotothepolice,butthen
I thoughtit through:thatwouldmeansomeoneelse
would needto see thathumiliating, vile footage.
Chriskeptsayinghehadn’tcheatedonmeinreal
life,justonline.I suspectedotherwise,andwasstill
lookingforproof—as if theotherstuffwasn’tbad
enough.Heeventuallyagreedtoshowmehisemail
accounts.I foundyears’worthofemailsbraggingto
othermenaboutgoingtoorgies.He’dbeenvisiting
matchmakingsites,meetingcouples. Therewerea
fewexampleswheremenhadtakenphotosorfoot-
ageofhimwiththeirwivesandsentthemtoChris
to discuss the experience. Here was the man
I thoughtI wasgoingto spendtherestof mylifewith,withallthose
otherwomen.Theimagesaresearedintobymind.Thatwaswhen
I confrontedhim.I toldhimI wasgoingtothepoliceunlesshe
wentto a sextherapist.Becausethisproblemwasclearlybiggerthan
me.Reluctantly,heagreed.I wentwithhimtoonesession,andhe
brokedown.Herealisedhehada realissueandneededtofixit.
I don’ttrusteasily,sothiswholethinghasmademequestionmy
judgementoneverylevel.I’vefoundmyselfquestioningeveryone
andeverythinginmylife.I knowI’mnotstupid,andI alwaysfelt
I wasa goodjudgeof character.Chrishadjustconcealedhisdouble
lifesowell.Buttheworstpartis theinvasionofprivacy—that’s
huge.Thenthere’stheoutrightcheating.It rockedmeto thecoreof
whatI understoodtheworldtobe.I didn’tthinkthiswouldbemy
life,butthisis myrealityat themoment;it’ssomethingI’mworking
throughwitha therapist.I believein thelawof attraction,soat first
I wondered,Whatis it inmethatattractedthis?Thebiggestchal-
lengeformewasto realiseit wasn’tmeandto notletthisdefineme.
ThiswasthefirsttimeI hadputmylifeandcareerontheback-
burner inorder to openmyselfup to familylife,to lookafter
Chris’schildrenandtakeoncasualworktoallowfora morebal-
ancedlifestyle.I putmytrustinChrisandletgoofmyindepend-
enceaspartof that.I’mgoingto lookaftermy independence
fiercely from this point forwards.– As toldtoKirstie Clements“Isaid,‘I’vegot
thememorycard.What’son
it?Whatam
I goingtosee?’Hetoldmehe
hadbeenfilmingmefor
six months.”59 HARPERSBAZAAR.COM.AU September 2019
VIEWpoint