tothekitchenor,heavenforbid,washupafterwards.I neversaw
himchangea lightbulb,hanga painting,waterthegarden,remove
leavesfromthegutter,fixa lawnmower,laya tile,builda shelfor
restorea pieceoffurniture.Inthatsense,hewasaboutthemost
un-AustralianmanI everknew.Hehadmoreimportantthingsto
do,likerunthepublishingcompanyhehadfoundedin1959,a
companythatwastopublishAustralianVogueunderlicencefrom
theAmerican-ownedCondéNastPublications.It wasa bigjob,
andfora GermanJewishboywhohadfledhishomelandonthe
eveofWorldWarII,arrivinginAustraliaviaNewZealandat the
age of22,it wasa hellofa jobbrief.And,so,whenhewasn’t
workingorsocialising—whichhewasmostofthetime—his
greatestpleasurewastobefoundinthesilenceandconcentration
ofbooks,ortheformandpoiseofa Beethovensymphony.
Mymother,a musicianbytraining,a booksellerbytrade,fully
acceptedthatthe tasksofchildcareandhouseholdbelonged to
her,eventhoughduringthecourseofmygrowingupit wasusu-
allyhousekeepersandnannieswhofulfilledtheseroles,nother.
Herjobwastoadministerthesefunctions,whileyieldingtothe
demandsofmyfather.
Asyoucansee,though,I didn’tcomefroma demographicthat
oftenproducesthemostwoundedofmen,thekindthatAustralian
novelistTimWintondescribedasoftenbeingputtogetherfrom
“spareparts”.I wasneverbeatenorabandonedbymyfather.I was
neversubjectedtothehorrorsofwar.I wasneveranyone’scheap
labour,or humandetritusthrownontheeconomicscrapheap.I was
nevermadeto feeluselessin theeyesof mychildrenormycommu-
nity.I wasneverforcedtodoubtwhereI belonged,ortosensethat
I wasnothingmorethana sorryfootnotein someoneelse’sstory.
I hadadvantages.Straight,white,educated,middle-class,male
advantages, andjust to beable to acknowledgethat righthere
seemstobeanadvantagealluntoitself.It doesn’tcostmemuch,
certainlynotthelastvestigesofmyself-esteem,tosayso.
Buttheproblemwithhavingalwayshada leg-upis thatit can
oftenblindyoutoanother’sdisadvantage.Youonlyeverseethe
lifethathasproduced,nourishedandpaidforyourownprivilege,
nothingofthecatalogueofoppressionthatis visiteduponothers.
TheKennedybrothers,JackandBobby,werelikethatwhenthey
confrontedtherealityofthecivilrightsmovementinAmericain
the early 1960s. They thought of themselves aswell-meaning,
broad-mindedreformists;theyhadnocluewhatit wastoliveas
blackAmericans,becausenothingintheirrealitycorroboratedthe
truthofsegregation.
“You don’t knowwhat’s happening on the othersideof the
wall,”saidJamesBaldwin,theAmericanauthorandsocialcritic,
“becauseyoudon’twanttoknow.”Youdon’twanttoknow,oryou
don’tevenknowthatyoudon’tknow.
Thisseemsimportanttomentionnowinthecontextofwhat
the#MeToomovementmightbeabletoteachusmenwhoare
tryingto payattention.Whatdoestheworldlookliketo a woman,
anddowemenwanttoknowaboutit?
I havewrittenbeforethat“ittakesa momentlikethisinhistory
formentotrulywakeup”.I thoughtI’dbeenawakeduringmy
marriage.I thoughtI’dunderstoodwomen’scollectivecomplaint.
I’dreadtheworksofnumerousfeministauthors,profilednumer-
ouswomen,workedforbrilliantfemaleeditorsand,throughallof
this, believed I’dcome to see howmy own entrenchedbiases,
assumptions andsense of entitlementhad been shapedby the
merefactofbeinga privilegedwhitemale.
Therewassometruth tothis,butthebiggertruth,thetruer
truth,was that I waskiddingmyselfif I thought I wasawake
duringthoseyears.
I’d never imagined sufficiently what it wasliketowalk down
a darkenedstreetatnightasa woman.I’dneverreallyimagined
whatit wouldbeliketobepressedagainstona crowdedtrain;to
beignoredortalkedoverrepeatedly;to knowthatmyvalueat
workwasoftenpredicatedonmysexualattractivenesstomyboss
ormyfellowcolleagues.I’dnevervisualisedwhatit wouldbelike
tohavesomeoneindecentlyexposethemselvestome;tohaveto
devisestrategies eachday,oftenunconsciously,just tofeelsafe.
NorhadI envisagedwhatit wouldbeliketobeshamed,sneered
at,orreducedtothepartsofmethatcouldbebreached.
Therewasallthat,buttherewasalsothis:I’dnevergivenenough
thoughttoequalityofregardandequalityofopportunity;about
howpowergetsexpressedineveryaspectoflife—inkitchens,
livingroomsandboardrooms,oncastingcouchesandfilmsets,on
universitycampusesandindoctors’surgeries,onfarmsandinres-
taurantsandfactories,inlawfirmsandtelevisionstudios,across
industries,bluecollarandwhite.I’dneverthoughtenoughabout
thehazardsanddisappointmentsof livingin theworldas a woman.
“Themore completea privilege,”wroteWilliamGibson,the
Canadian-Americanpioneerof cyberpunkfiction,“themorethor-
oughlywetakeit forgranted,oftentothepointofbeingpro-
foundlyunawareofhavingit.”
I’monlyreallystartingto understandthisnowas I plungedeeper
intotheseblackwaters—remembering,reflecting,recoiling(at
myself )andrethinkingallthatI wastaughtorassumedas holy
writ.Because,onceyoustartseeingthesystemsandstructuresthat
havebeeninplaceforcenturies,it’simpossible nottoseethem
everywhere.AndI don’tthinkI’devertrulyseenthembefore.
“There’sonlyroominthismarriageforoneofustoworkfull-
time,”mywifesaidtomeoneeveningafterarrivinghomelate
fromworktofindourdaughterinhystericsinthearmsofa new
aupair,thehouseindisorder,andmestillinmyhomeofficewith
nothingpreparedfordinner.
Asshe’dutteredthesewords,she’dhurleda wineglassacrossthe
livingroom—a bull’s-eyeshotfromthecouch,which,onreflec-
tion,hadannouncedtheendof thecosyarrangementsI hadclung
tosincewe’dfirstutteredourmarriagevows.
ForyearsI’drefusedtoseehowmyambitionscouldpossiblybe
overwhelmingthewomanI loved;norcouldI seehowherresent-
mentswerea symptomoftheassumedprerogativesmenhadbeen
carryingforcenturies.I understoodthisintheory,butcertainly
notincold,hardpractice.Myneedscountedmore.Myprojects
countedmore.Myinterestscountedmore.
“There’sa hugeamountofunexaminedprivilegethatmengo
aboutin theworldwith,”saidTimWintonontheSevenNetwork’s
Interview, hostedbyAndrewDenton,inJune2018.“[Theythink]
thatthey’vegotwherethey’vegotjustbecausethey’regood,anda
lotofthetimethey’vegotwherethey’vegotmostlybecausethey’re
a bloke.Theyhaveanenormoustailwind,andif you’renotactually
consciousof that,thenyoudon’tunderstandthatforsomanypeo-
ple,particularlygirlsandyoungwomen,theyhavea headwind.It’s
changing,butit’sstillthere,anda blokewhocan’tseethatis a bloke
who’sjustaddingtotheproblem,he’saddingtotheheadwind.”
Inotherwords,if respectandtrueequalitywereat theheartof
whatwomenhadbeenclamouringtoachieve— inthework-
placeandathome —thenit wassheerartifice onmypartto
pretendI’deverfully understoodthis clamour,letalonedone
somethingtoaddressit.
The tragicsymmetryofthisis thatmy lifewould havebeen
betterif mywife’slifehadbeenbetter;thatif I’dunderstoodthe
value in relinquishing some of my unacknowledged freedoms,
bothourliveswouldhaveimproved.
ExcerptedfromWomen,Men&theWholeDamnThing,
by David Leser (Allen & Unwin), $30, out this month.63 HARPERSBAZAAR.COM.AU September 2019
VIEWpoint