self
A reader is devastated
that her husband hasn’t
been there for her. If he
can’t show his love, you
may have to ask him to
leave, says Philippa Perry,
psychotherapist and
Red’s agony auntQ I am married with two young
sons, and was diagnosed with cancer
several years ago. It was shocking
news, but I did at least think it would
make me appreciate life more, and
my relationship with my husband.
But he rarely visited me in hospital
and became cold and argumentative
at home. I have since had several
recurrences and now face an uncertain
future. He said he does love me, but
that he has a lot of baggage from
his childhood that is making him
angry, and that my illness is
too much for him to deal with.
I eventually persuaded him to talk to
a psychologist, which he said helped,
but he only went to one session.How can Philippa help you?
Do you have a question that Philippa can answer? It could be about your relationships at work or home,
your ambitions or career, your partner or child, motherhood, siblings, parents or friends. Email her in confidence
at [email protected]. Read Philippa’s past columns at redonline.co.uk. Philippa’s new book,MAK The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read (And Your Children Will Be Glad That You Did), is out now.
E-U
P:^
LIN
DS
EY
PO
OL
E
I appreciate that it’s very hard for
him, but meanwhile I am struggling
to cope with the fact I might not
see my children grow up. I have to
continue working part-time, as we
need the money, and I am exhausted
from my treatment, and utterly
devastated by his behaviour.
I always thought, ‘I know our
relationship isn’t perfect, but he
loves me and will be there for me.’
Now I am not sure. I love him, or
I certainly did once, but I can’t have
all my energy taken up dealing with
his anger and silences when my
children need me, too. I am worn out,
and his moods drain me further.A My heart breaks for you that your
husband cannot cope or come to
terms with what is happening, and
can’t or doesn’t know how to support
you. He obviously has his problems
and I do feel for him, too, but your
requirements do need to take
precedence at this time.
Sometimes the way men have been
brought up and enculturated means
they seem only capable of ‘manly’emotions, like strength or anger,
and are somehow not allowed to
‘do’ vulnerable, scared, incompetent.
So if your husband was already not
coping and feeling scared, he’s now
pushing the trigger of that fear away,
which is unfortunately you.
I really hope your treatments work- I will be thinking of you, willing
them to work – and if your life is
to be shorter than we would all like
it to be, I really want you to live your
best life. That might mean you asking
him to leave, if he can only act angrily
and can’t show you that he cares.
Love is a verb not just an idea;
it means showing up and being
alongside you. It means doing the
practical stuff and being there for the
children as well. It means continuing
to work with his therapist so he
doesn’t dump anger on you.
I want you to get people in your life
who can love and care for you. The
longer letter you sent me showed me
that you are such a caring person,
always putting others first and never
being any trouble to your friends and
family. I want you to ask people –
your family, your friends – to show
up now. I want them to help support
you and your children. Your husband
seemingly cannot do it, but there will
be people in your life who will want
to do things for you – they just need to
know your needs. They may be
assuming your husband is there
for you and don’t know how much
they are wanted, so tell them.
Please also contact macmillan.org.uk
for further advice and support.
It is not the time for you to exhaust
yourself trying to get things right
for your husband. He either has to
love you practically – not just some
idea of you – or he has to stop being
a drain and, as I explained, this may
mean he has to go.
157
August 2019 | REDONLINE.CO.UK