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August 2019 | REDONLINE.CO.UKExperience
to you as an individual,’ Lyons tells me. For me, this knowledge
has proved to be unexpectedly invaluable. Sceptical? Read on...
I started having therapy in 2017, a year after a freak running
accident, which led to the amputation of my right leg when
I was 25. For a long time, I resisted it. Focused on my physical
recovery, part of me saw the prospect of letting that emotional
guard down as weakness. I thought I knew myself completely.
‘Values are like points on a compass,’ says Lyons. ‘You
never reach north, in the same way that you never fully achieve
your values, but you have
landmarks along the way – small
achievable goals that help you
work towards what’s important
to you. With you, what was
interesting was that while
everything around you had
changed, your values didn’t.’
They were the anchor that kept me from drifting.
Values help us to look inside ourselves, examine our
priorities and seek out our moral compass to find the sense of
direction we crave. But you don’t necessarily need to visit a
therapist to discover your core values. You can do it at home, too.FIND YOUR TRUE VALUES
1
Visit contextualconsulting.co.uk/values and print out the
list of values cards.2
Cut out the cards and order them into three columns –
‘very important,’ ‘important’ and ‘not important.’ As you
read the descriptions, ask yourself: ‘Which values do I hold
closest?’ Sometimes, identifying what’s not so important will
help you to realise what is. Be completely honest.3
From the ‘very important’ column, pick out six cards that
hold the most significance for you. Not in any order – all
six are equally important. It’s likely there will be more that you
feel drawn to, however, six is a recommended number to ensure
you are able to really focus on the values you choose to explore.4
Keep your values in mind. When you come across
challenging situations or people who are difficult to
connect with, you’ll notice when and how the values conflict.
You can then harness them to improve your resilience and gain
a better understanding, both of yourself and of others.5
Repeat the exercise whenever you feel in need of
direction. Learning to understand what you feel inside
helps you recognise when to take steps towards your values;
and when you might need to work harder to fulfil them.This exercise helped me to see that my main values are
industry, humour, friendliness, authenticity, creativity and
independence. These values were a source of stability, a guide
for every domain of life, including work, hobbies, relationships
and family. ‘When you talked to me about your career andwriting a book, you had a physical energy; it was palpable that
working towards your values made you feel good,’ says Lyons.
‘Small, achievable goals lead to a qualitative reaction – and
you will be more motivated as a result.’
However, values help with more than concrete achievements- they lead us to understand ourselves and others better. Often,
not getting on with someone means there is a clash of values,
and taking the time to examine conflict more deeply can lead
to a new comprehension. This is also true of your inner value
clashes, which can leave you feeling
low or dissatisfied. ‘Before we did
the exercise, you used to criticise
yourself for being friendly, telling
me you were too open. Your values
can cause inner conflict because
you’re hard working and driven
(industry), but you struggle to fit
everything and everyone in, so you feel pulled in different
directions. But, actually, seeing that friendliness was one
of your values meant that you became kinder to yourself.’
After my accident, relationships were a source of anxiety.
How, I worried, would anyone ever find me attractive as an
amputee? For a long time, I didn’t talk about this. ‘Whenever
I asked you about relationships, you’d say, “I’m all about my
career. I don’t need anyone right now,”’ says Lyons, smiling. ‘It
may have been true. But when you said that, emotionally, you
were avoiding the reality. In order to work towards your values,
you have to be present and willing to show vulnerability.’
She’s right. Now, three years after my accident, I have a
boyfriend. But my core value of authenticity meant I never felt
comfortable in the early stages of dating. I had a mental block
when it came to telling men about my prosthetic leg, which
meant I experienced inner turmoil. However, having discovered
my values, setting myself targets to work towards them meant
I was more open about my accident. I told my boyfriend about it
before I even met him; and setting a precedence for authenticity
meant I was comfortable in his presence from the start.
By pausing and considering our values, we can make
a positive difference to how we act. When we acknowledge
why we might feel a certain way, it encourages resilience to
life’s challenges. ‘I think of values as a structure,’ says Lyons.
‘When life is complicated or chaotic, when you can’t see a way
to move forward, they give you something to work towards.’
Now, whenever I feel lost or confused, I reflect on my values - and my sense of self is strengthened. I’ve become more
capable of dealing with uncomfortable, unwanted feelings.
And as for my 80th birthday party? Without pausing to
consider, I tell Kim that I’d want my loved ones to say how proud
they are of what I’ve overcome, how I’ve managed to reach my
goals with purpose and positivity. A knowing smile crosses
her face, because I’ve just summed up my values in one
sentence. ‘See?’ she says. ‘It works.’ I leave feeling energised
and determined. With values to guide me, I have a purpose I
can steer towards unknown, exciting horizons. And with half
an hour, willingness and a bit of introspection, so could you.
Five Steps To Happy (Orion, £14.99) by Ella Dove; out 11th July
‘VALUES WERE THE
ANCHOR THAT KEPT
ME FROM DRIFTING’
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