The Writing Experiment by Hazel Smith

Example 2.2

She is very thin and her arms and legs are like matchsticks.

She opens the fridge door and closes it. She walks away then turns

back. She opens the fridge door, takes out a yoghurt, and shuts it

again.

After you have written down a skeleton of the passage, you can gradually
develop it, using the techniques of addition and substitution to amplify
and focus it. This kind of technique is often used by published writers:
Peter Carey, for example, describes a process called ‘cantilevering’
(Grenville & Woolfe 1993), in which he starts a passage over and over
again, each time building and modifying the passage. This process is like
the one I will be taking you through here. So the passage might become:

Example 2.3

She is becoming thinner by the day. Her arms and legs are so frail

you can see the veins stand out and her face is hollow and creased.

She is losing her hair, it sprouts only in tufts. She paces up and down

outside the fridge and then opens the door. Inside are rows of plain

and fruit-flavoured yoghurt, egg sandwiches and cartons of milk. She

closes the fridge door abruptly. She walks away, then turns back and

opens it again. She looks around. She takes out a yoghurt, peels off

the lid, and quickly swallows a spoonful. Then she shuts the door,

feeling acutely anxious and repelled by her behaviour.

This process of transformation mainly involves amplification and refine-
ment of the individual sentences. So you fill in details and flesh out the
piece, but you also try to focus the whole passage and shape the language,
to show more clearly how the woman looks and feels.
As you construct the passage make sure you use some strong verbs.
This is quite difficult in my passage, because it is about somebody acting
hesitantly. However, in the following version I have made some adjust-
ments to the verbs which I have underlined:

Example 2.4

She is becoming thinner by the day. Her arms and legs are so frail you

can see the veins, and her face is hollow and creased. She is losing her

hair, it sprouts only in tufts. She circlesin front of the fridge and then

opens the door. Inside are rows of plain and fruit-flavoured yoghurt, egg

sandwiches and cartons of milk. She slams the fridge door abruptly. She

edgesaway, then turns back and opens it cautiously again. She glances

from side to side. She slides outa yoghurt, peels off the lid, and quickly

30 The Writing Experiment