attachment theory, which is relentlessly communicated
online and via an entire industry of books — makes you
feel that leaving your child could disastrously damage
their future mental health. The pandemic only made
things worse, with children and their parents becoming
so unused to any time apart that a solid break from the
24/7 feels even more out of reach. “The 2D representa-
tion of motherhood we see online deems mothers as
either ‘good’ or ‘bad’,” says Anna Mathur, a psychothera-
pist and the bestselling author of Mind over Mother.
“Good — being patient, doing art with your kids. Bad —
wanting to enjoy a kid-free break and engage in the
things that bring you joy.” Like an adult-time-only trip to
New York, for example.
And as with everything surrounding motherhood,
people are quick to criticise, even if it’s not completely
barefaced. Most often I receive passive-aggressive quips
in my inbox along the lines of “That must be nice to go
away, I couldn’t ever leave my baby though”, rather than
the more overt “You’re a terrible mother” fare. They
mean the same thing, though. “You do get judged very
critically, especially by the mum police,” agrees Millie
Mackintosh, who shares her #mumlife with her 1.4 mil-
lion followers. “For me, though, it’s not the guilt. My big-
gest worry about being away is that whoever is looking
after them won’t be able to cope. I am such a control
freak and I find it hard to leave someone else in charge.”
Little wonder the concern. Today, despite 75 per cent
of us working outside of the home, modern mothers
spend more time with their children than their stay-at-
home forebears did in the 1970s. How can this be? “One
of the big reasons is that many mothers pressure them-
selves to engage consistently with their children when
they are at home, whereas in generations gone by chil-
dren would have busied themselves with play while the
mother was ‘around’,” Mathur explains. Understand-
ably it’s very hard to pass your child over to anyone else,
even your parents, when they have a 17-point daily
schedule. Since the focus of parenting shifted from
supervision to stimulation, it has become almost
impossible to feel you can trust anyone else to have the
skill set required — keeping them fed, watered and
away from small batteries is no longer enough. That’s
why so many mothers, even the ones who are fortunate
enough to have a willing and able village, feel leaving
their children creates more anxiety than it’s worth.
Of course you can travel with your kids too. As both
of my parents live overseas I’ve done a lot of that. I am
often asked about how I manage and let’s just say my
experience to date has been very different from Naomi
Campbell’s, who recently explained that her nearly
one-year-old “loves to travel. No whimpering taking off
or landing.” In contrast I always describe flying with
kids as like childbirth: better forgotten immediately,
with the rewards outweighing the pain overall. I have
some wonderful memories of travelling with my chil-
dren. But it is categorically not the same.
For me there is no question that time away from my
kids is important — not just for me, but for them too.
“Taking a child-free holiday can actually benefit our
parenting and our connection with our children, when
often that is the thing that prevents us from taking the
time away,” Mathur says. “The truth is, we are less able to
respond to our children in a considered way when we are
in stress mode.” Basically it’s a win-win. So, if you are
umming and ahhing over Booking.com and you need
someone to say it’s OK, here it is. As hard as it can feel to
let go, it’s probably just the break everyone needs. ■We came up with the 50:2
ratio — every six months we
have a week off together,
meaning the kids have us for
50 weeks of the year
This picture
Ormerod in New
York. Opposite On
holiday in LA with
her whole familyThe Sunday Times Style • 11